


Why am I like this?

by losing_sanity_fast



Series: the Zoldyck political clan [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Frequent Swearing, Gon's family set up is very off canon for plot purposes, M/M, Modern AU, casual homophobia and transphobia including slurs, frequent and explicit sexual references, hxhbb, mild internalised homophobia, mild violence, single pov except in the epilogue, some other ships are mentioned but not explored, toxic/dysfunctional family with reference to some abusive behaviours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-04-30 10:16:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14494755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/losing_sanity_fast/pseuds/losing_sanity_fast
Summary: Killua's whole family life revolves around the political careers of his parents.He tries to stay out of it as much as possible, but they won't let him skip all the photo-ops.At one of the events he meets Gon Freecss... Killua's fragile gay mind is not ready for this new acquaintance.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _I dedicate this fic to my super talented friend and enabler **[Joolita](https://art-little-nonsense.tumblr.com/)** , who always encourages me and indulges my idiocy. _
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> _I would also like to thank everyone in the writers discord, because you're all super nice and I value your help. My special thanks go to **[glittercracker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/glittercracker/pseuds/glittercracker)** whose kindness means the world to me. Check out her writing, I strongly recommend it! _
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> I'm not a native speaker so the language is what it is. Please be patient with me.  
> The fic is finished. I'll be posting one chapter a week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beautiful poster for this fic was made by [SailerShanty](http://sailershanty.tumblr.com/)! They make great art, but they also write amazing [hxh fics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BugTongue/pseuds/BugTongue), I recommend all of them!

* * *

_Art by the super talented[SailerShanty](http://sailershanty.tumblr.com/)._

 

* * *

 

Killua’s father was a few days away from announcing his run for the governor’s office. This meant that the sleazy fuck Morow was now a frequent guest in Killua’s house. In a mansion with over forty rooms, running into the creep in the kitchen was just bad luck. Why was he not sticking to the living room, the office, and library, anyway?

Killua opened the fridge and looked inside, mostly to avoid eye contact with the man. He actually planned to make a smoothie for himself, but now he just wanted to grab anything to drink and bail. There was beer for which Killua was legally too young, plus it tasted vile, so there was no temptation there. Then there were some sodas. Unfortunately none of the good stuff, just the sugary toxic waste Milluki bought when he last came to visit. Killua sighed and took one.

He tried to leave without a word.

“Good afternoon, Killua.” The pleasant voice was unnerving.

“Piss off.”

“How rude, while I’m fighting so hard for your family.” He pretended to sound wounded.

_Creepy prick._

“You’re taking a lot of money for it. It’s not like you believe in the cause.”

_Not that there is a cause to believe in, my father is typical politician material: a rich state attorney general, from a well respected clan of prosecutors, judges, and politicians, with ties to other rich scumbags, mostly big business owners._

“I would never support a candidate I didn’t believe in.”

“Like you believed in Troy Ramp? That lovely sixty-year-old openly racist bigot who ran on family values while trying not to pay alimony to all seven of his illegitimate children?”

“Aren't you politically woke? It’s a generational thing, after all. Well, my belief in him was not unfounded, he did win. Because I’m that good.”

“Yeah, congratulations. How did it feel to get a mega homophobe elected? Somebody who’d like to see people like my sister dead? Eh, Mr. Flamboyant and very queer? Were you brave enough to wear these flashy suits when you worked there?” Killua indicated the latest collection Boateng suit. It had bold colours and a fabulous cut that filled Killua with envy. The creepy man wore what he liked and had an unapologetic, if sometimes bordering on over the top, style. Especially if he wore a lot of accessories or put particularly intense make-up on. In spite of  that, Killua’s proper and classically oriented parents tolerated the freak. Killua never had the guts to wear what he really liked at home.

“Am I not making up for it, though?” He said sweetly. “With the lovely Alluka?”

“Ah, yes, you did research and it turned out that daddy will get more brownie points with the voters in this liberal state if he embraces his trans daughter, and not when he bullies and misgenders her. Congratulations on making my father seem human for all the wrong reasons.”

“Isn’t the result what matters, though? Your sister gets the medical help she wants and quality time shopping with her mother. All the dresses a teenage girl could ever wish for. And she looks so nice in them.” The man said this with way too much interest.

“I’ll k…”

“Speaking of queer things” Hisoka interrupted before Killua could finish his threat, “wouldn’t it be a great photo op? Alluka in some adorable powder pink, light blue and white ensemble, you in a twink t-shirt and your mother in a rainbow scarf? The pride parade is in a few weeks. A perfect family outing. I could get the photos on the homepage of a few major international portals.”

“What the fuck?”

“Oh, so deep in the closet, still? I just thought you’d be more open to the idea of a mother embracing her gay and trans children…”

“Why are you asking me? Maybe you should have asked Illumi when he was sucking your cock last week? If he’d play the good gay son for the camera?” Killua knew he was being disgustingly homophobic calling his horrible, yet straight and engaged, brother gay, using the word as an insult like bigots did. On the other hand, Illumi always seemed too friendly with the creep, and it bothered Killua. “Or was his answer too muffled, and you spaced out too much to follow up?”

“I didn’t have you pegged as a peeping tom, Killua. Do you get off on it? Or is it the blow jobs that fascinate you?”

Now the creep was leaning over him, very much in his personal space. Killua’s skin crawled. Morow was clearly provoking him, there was no way…

“But if that’s what you like I can hook you up with both. I won’t mind if you watch, and you know where my office is.” Killua almost ran at the sight of the smile the man flashed at him. From up close. Way too close.

“Why the fuck do you feel the need to insinuate all this shit about me?” He cleared his throat and answered rather too weakly.

“Oh, I just have this bet with myself: that I will fuck the whole young generation of Zoldycks. I already have two under my belt.”

“Illumi is straight. So is Milluki, and why on earth would you even want to fuck him?”

“So you’re one of those, Killua, very disappointing.”

“Eh?”

“Fat shaming your brother? Horrible. What does your Grindr profile look like? ‘No fats, fems, chocolate, rice, or curry?’”

“What… I don’t have a Grindr… Whatever, piss off. Don’t talk to me again!” Killua stormed out and ran to his room, mortified. Fucking Morow knew. But how? Was it the mythical gaydar? Killua was sure as hell it was not really a thing because he had never really picked up on some guy being gay unless he had some clear rainbow flag accessories or was hanging out at a gay event. Even then Killua preferred not to assume, this way he never had to muster the courage and chat up a guy.

Killua sat down on his bed and opened the can of soda. Some of its content exploded on his clothes and hands. He must have shaken it when he ran upstairs. He was all sticky and gross. He washed and changed. That calmed him down a little. Morow was one of the best campaign managers money could buy. Some said he could get a sheep elected to parliament. Some said that a sheep would probably do a better job than most of the people already there. Killua then remembered, Morow did opposition research on his own candidates and their families, preemptively, to see what kind of shit could float to the surface during the campaign and have contingencies ready.

He probably had someone scan through the social media, and Alluka was friends with the accounts he kept under his pseudonym. So was Canary. On top of that they both had Ikalgo in their contacts. Fuck. Morow probably also knew about the YouTube videos. He came to pester Killua, though. Apparently he was not enough of an asshole to actually out Killua to his family, not yet at least. A small relief.

Seeing what was going on with Alluka, Killua had no intention of coming out before he actually moved out. For many years his parents ignored or downright abused Alluka for saying she was a girl. A few times they threw out her toys and clothes. She was grounded for doing her hair in pigtails or using make-up. He was the only one who supported her and tried to do everything to protect her, like hiding her favourite dolls and dresses in his room, always repeating that he had no doubt she was indeed a girl. Killua had begged his parents for years to accept Alluka for who she was, with zero effect. Alluka is just confused or a faggot, that’s what they had said.  

However, a few months ago, after hiring Morow, they did a total one eighty. One fucking piece of research presented by the freak was all it took. Overnight they changed into exemplary allies, supportive of their trans daughter and her transition. Hormones? Yes, please. Girly attire? Why of course, let’s make it a top of the line designer while we are at it. Therapy? Absolutely. Surgeries? Isn’t that what all girls get for their eighteenth birthday anyway? There was just one catch. The price for all of that was Alluka’s involvement in the campaign. She had to show up at parties and rallies, take part in photo shoots and ads, do interviews, and have her profiles published in the media. It was her choice, and Killua was not going to criticise it. He just hated that his parents could not simply love their children with no strings attached. They all had to fulfil some useful role in the political circus to get the bare minimum of positive feedback from their mother and father.

He was not ready to become another display of faux progressivism in his father’s ads. It was easy for him to make this choice. It was just a matter of time. Just one more year with them in this horrible house. As soon as he got into college and moved to a different city, he would finally be himself—which still meant being a pathetic directionless nerd, but wearing nice clothes and make-up full time.

He rationalised it like that.

 

*

 

The car took him to a storage facility outside his posh neighbourhood, about twenty minutes away from his home. Killua had a locker there with cosmetics and the clothes he actually liked to wear. His parents would probably have been outraged. He changed from his boring polo shirt and linen trousers to blue short leggings and grey shorts, along with a slightly too long sleeveless tee with a lightning ripping across it. Moccasins to trainers. Then came time for make-up. Nothing too fancy or time consuming. Winged eyeliner and mascara were his preferred style, and of course some concealer for zits and the like. He also put in the nose ring. He really wanted earrings but was too afraid his mother would notice. The small hole in his nose was easily hidden with a tiny bit of make-up.

Finally decently dressed, he skateboarded to the animal shelter. He was doing volunteer work there for the third summer in the row. The place was sort of a compromise. Killua’s parents agreed that some charity work would look good on his record, but they wanted him to work at foundations run by their friends and colleagues. He desired nothing less than for his performance to be discussed at dinner parties. So he found the “On Our Way Home” animal shelter. It was created and bankrolled almost in full by Knuckle Bine. He was not part of Killua’s parent’s cocktail circle, but he was rich. The old money Zoldycks still looked down on him, but the stock market maverick was a potential donor, so in the end they approved Killua’s choice. Killua was a little sceptical of people like Knuckle who made money exploiting loopholes and too-lax financial regulations, but the guy was really trying with the animals. The facility was no kill, well equipped, and really striving to find as many forever homes as possible. Knuckle even adopted a few of the most hopeless cases himself. It was hard to judge him too harshly.

Another positive thing about the place was that, partially due to the founder’s unusual fashion sense—some would say vintage, others just outdated by at least twenty years—nobody there batted an eye at how Killua looked, ever. Everyone usually said something like: good look. A comment he reciprocated; most of them had cool alternative styles. There were some full time employees and a more or less steady group of volunteers. Among them was one of Killua’s three friends.

“He was probably fishing, trying to get a rise from you.” Ikalgo said as they were washing the kennels.

“I wouldn’t put it past him, but it hit too close to home. It was more like he was confirming than fishing. Like, he has seen my other social media accounts, you know the true ones.”

“He might have, I guess. Alluka has those and mine in her contacts.”

“Exactly.”

“How is she, by the way? Cool with the hormones?”

“As much as can be expected I guess, the therapist helps, she says. Coming back to Morow for a moment, I had this thought on the way here. He didn’t specify which of my siblings he’s already fucked.”

“Don’t spiral when you have no other proof but his words. He’s a liar, your words. Besides, you said he sort of dates that heiress, from a drug company?”

“Medical equipment, they donate to my dad’s campaign. There’s also some gossip he dates that cult leader, so you know. He may just fuck around, but my super uptight brother lets Morow in his personal space.”

“From what you describe it’s not about letting. He just enters it.”

“True, fuck, I need to have a talk with Alluka. She’s in a vulnerable place right now. Kalluto is just fourteen…I mean…ugh. It’s like the last conversation I want to have with my weird baby brother…”

“You’re such a good brother.” Ikalgo teased him and patted him on the back.

“Whatever,” Killua snorted.

 

*

 

After finishing at the shelter, they went to pick up Squid and drove to a skate park. Killua was doing some skateboard tricks, and Ikalgo was practising his parkour routine. Squid was, of course, mostly preoccupied by looking great on her pillow.

Later they set up the video equipment and Killua helped film Ikalgo for his YouTube channel.

Killua met Ikalgo a year earlier. The young man was mandated by the court to work off his crimes helping out animals. Ikalgo did freerunning in his spare time, as a hobby. One day, he ended up in the yard of his local crazy cat lady. There were at least twenty feral cats there; they all hissed at him, one even bit him when he tried to escape. The wound got infected, and Ikalgo was furious. Then and there he had understood why he had always hated cats. The following week he decided on a revenge plan. He came and destroyed their provisional houses, hoping that the ferals would scatter, and he would have a clear route for his runs. Unfortunately for him, Pitou was not only fond of cats. She loved surveillance, and her property had hidden cameras everywhere. There was no arguing at court; he was definitely guilty. There was no denying, though, he did look great jumping that fence. He even got a copy of the video to put on his channel.

In the beginning, Killua made fun of him, that he was afraid to go into the cat room or to pet them. However, it took about a month, and Ikalgo fell in love with all the shelter felines. Especially with one black adolescent kitty. She also fell in love with him. She would perch herself on his shoulder when he worked around the shelter. So he took her home and named her Squid. There was no other logical choice. Thus, now she was the real star of his YouTube channel, performing some of the tricks and runs with him. Killua sometimes appeared there if they did something less gymnastic and more vertical. Incognito of course. The fans of the channel named him ‘the other cat’ because he wore a surgical mask, with cat’s nose and whiskers, for his performances, along with a beanie with ears. Alluka made those for him. He had hoped that was enough to conceal his identity, though apparently not from that sneaky fuck, Morow.

They finished filming at around seven. Ikalgo drove Killua back to the storage.

“So, are you off to Palm’s? Netflix and chill?”

“Maybe, eventually. We’ll be doing some filming for her video on homemade cat food.”

“So Squid is guest starring?”

“I’m guest starring, too.”

“You’re appearing. She’s the star who can be a guest.”

“Piss off, Killua. It’s not like Squid is the only liked aspect of my channel. I had regular viewers before I got her.”

“Sure, regular viewers… she has proper fans.”

“Next time you’re driving yourself, dumbass.”

“So you’ll film yourself? Yay, cashing in on that nostalgia? Back to static cam days. Those were the vids with most views, weren’t they?” Killua smiled cheekily.

“Yes, yes. Keep reminding me that this week I have yet to question why I’m even hanging out with you, brat.”

“Ageist.”

“Out of the car.”

“Bye, bye Squid.” Killua petted the cat and got out. He flashed a mean grin at Ikalgo who flipped him off in return before driving away.

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua's parents drag him to a gala, against his will obviously. Will he spend it sulking in the corner?

* * *

 

“Bright Future” was an annual gala where exceptional children and teens from all over the state were gathered and given rewards for their achievements. It was a corporate fiesta. Many companies wanted the good press which came from donating expensive equipment to cute and accomplished young people. Fluff pieces followed, describing the business leaders supporting the hope of the nation—the scarce text was always illustrated with photos, brand logos prominently displayed in all of them.

It was a type of event Killua hated with his whole heart. He would not have had to be there was his father not running for office. His father was friends with all those CEOs and ready to do practically anything to increase his chances of winning, which included attending each and every event where press was present. Killua’s parents thrived there, taking every opportunity to get photographed with someone important.

Killua was dragged there under a threat of repercussions if he refused. So were his younger siblings. They were all supposed to network. Make connections and pick up useful phone numbers. Killua found it absolutely hilarious that his parents honestly believed that three teenagers were going to do that. There was no way that would happen.

He started the evening with Alluka. They were following Canary around. Killua became friends with her when they were children and used to go to the same private middle school. Being total awkward nerds, they naturally drifted to each other. Nothing had changed since then as they were still the odd couple with the best grades in an obnoxiously posh private high school. Learning together was their thing: they would hang out for hours doing homework. Alluka often joined them. Thanks to that, for years before meeting Ikalgo, Killua could pretend he had a healthy social life. Apart from that, his parents suspected he was dating Canary. He never bothered to correct them. She did not mind the widespread misconception about them because she sort of used him as a shield against unwanted advances. Her parents were super famous in the music business. People always wanted to get close to her, and through her to her mum or dad. At some point they made this unspoken pact, and it worked great...most of the time.

She was at the gala because of merit though, not freeloading like him. Eventually she found her maths and physics minded peers, other winners of science competitions. Killua could not keep up with their conversation, so he politely listened for several minutes and then excused himself. He had straight As in every subject ever, (his parents would have never accepted anything less) but he was not really passionate about any of them. Zoldycks were supposed to have the top average in their year and preferably in school. Whether they cared for anything they were learning was irrelevant. After all, every Zoldyck was going to be a prosecutor or a judge, or at least a corporate lawyer, and later run for office. It was a clan thing, a tradition. Killua envied Milluki a little. His older brother did not have the temperament for any kind of legal profession, so when he showed exceptional skill in computer science, to the point where he actually won related competitions, their parents let off and allowed him to pursue this career path. Killua was always so engulfed in getting good grades that he never really got passionate about anything apart from his silly hobbies. Resigning himself to following in his father’s footsteps seemed like the obvious thing to do. Despite it being another proof of Killua’s cowardice and inadequacy, he preferred not to dwell on it too much.

To his surprise Alluka stayed with Canary. He felt a little betrayed that she left him to navigate the hostile territory on his own.

The gala was in the corporate headquarters of one of the tech companies. It was a pretty large complex of five buildings surrounded by sizeable park. Killua got out of the huge auditorium, probably used for motivational meetings for the staff on regular days. The greenery outside was carefully manicured, very much in tune with the sleek style of the buildings and designer interiors. After a longer search, Killua found a tree that could hold his weight and climbed it. It was relatively far away from the party.

He wanted to doze off with some music, but he had not brought his headphones. His mother had been adamant that he was to leave them at home, so he just sat there scrolling through social media.

He did not expect to hear anyone talk, yet he could clearly identify a voice. Were people hooking up in the shrubbery at such an event? He was a little shocked. He looked around.

Just one person. One guy squatting by a flowerbed, speaking to, was Killua hearing it correctly? Beetles?

_Should I just pretend I’m not here? But then he will continue talking… Won’t he be more self-conscious the longer I let him do it, though… But maybe he’ll just go away without noticing me, so he won’t feel uncomfortable…_

Killua was growing very awkward which was an all too typical feeling for him. He was mentally begging the stranger to go away, but alas, the teen lifted his head to look at the tree and their gazes met.

“Oh, hi!” the guy said and smiled the goofiest smile Killua had ever seen.

“Hi.” At that point, there was nothing else to do but acknowledge the teen. “I’m Killua.” _Why the hell am I introducing myself to this weirdo? Now he knows my name…_ Killua almost facepalmed.

“I’m Gon, nice to meet you. Why are you sitting in a tree Killua? Don’t you like the party?”

“Not really. Why are you talking to bugs Gon? Are they better conversationalists than those ‘nice’ people there?”

“Haha, a little. Although, you seem even better.”

Killua noticed that the teen did not stop smiling for one second.

“Thanks,” Killua said nonchalantly. _Of course I’m better than bugs._ He gracefully jumped down.

“Nice!”

Killua blushed a little but tried to stay cool. “So what were you telling the bugs anyway?”

“Well, it was a heavy subject.” Gon laughed bashfully. “We were talking climate change and invasive species.”

“Heavy indeed. What brought that about?”

“See, these beetles here, they came from way south, they wouldn't have been able to survive here like ten years ago.”

“It's not the little guys’ fault, they’re just following their instincts.”

“Oh, sure. Exactly. It's our fault. I mean humans, in general. This place.” He indicated the whole complex. “Places like this are the worst. Nothing here is natural, none of these plants normally grow in this area. And look at the amount of grass. Grass is so costly to maintain.”

Killua was just nodding, swept away by the obvious passion in Gon’s voice.

“Because it's so unnatural, the local bugs have a problem living here, adjusting to rapid change. But the ones that are just coming, they have no expectations. So it's easier for them.”

“Makes sense.” Killua remembered reading about stuff like that for school. “So you're some biology genius? That's why you're here?”

“What? No!” The boy laughed.

For a moment Killua had a reassuring thought that he was not the only pedestrian talentless moocher at the party.

“I’m here because I won junior world championships in wrestling.”

“Congratulations.” _Alas._ _Of course, he has to be exceptional as hell: nice, world champion, and not a meathead. Why is this perfect specimen even talking to me?_

“Thanks, I mean, I’d like to study biology, or zoology, or antnomology.”

“You mean, entomology?” Suddenly the horrors of primary school spelling bees flashed before Killua’s eyes, and he hoped he had managed to successfully erase those memories.

“Yeah, haha. I’m not great with words, and my grades are average. I don’t know how I’d do in college. But Wing, my coach, says that I should get in on a sports scholarship. I show promise because I’ll probably make the Olympic team in a couple of years.”

“I’ll keep my fingers crossed. But he’s right, you’ll totally make it in.”

“Thanks! So why are you here? What is your achievement?”

 _Would it hurt if I lie? It’s not like I’ll ever see him again._ Killua considered for a moment. _Just tell him I won some history contest or some shit._ Having even considered something like that catapulted Killua very deeply into self-pity territory.

“Nothing.”

“So… you're not proud of it.?”

“No, there's no achievement. I’m as run-of-the-mill ordinary as they go. My parents are in the organizing committee. And they dragged me along to meet the future elites of my generation. Rubbing elbows with greatness has always been a winning strategy, according to them.” _If you're a loser yourself, especially. You’re not dumb so you’ve figured it out already. I’m not like you. Talking to me gives you nothing. I’m not worth your time. You'll have somewhere to be, won't you Gon. Cue in three...._

“Oh, so your parents run one of these companies.”

“No, they are politicians, freeloaders trying to bask in the limelight.”

_...two…_

“Because the elections are coming.” There was realisation in his bright amber eyes.

_God, I’ve taken note of his eye colour. I’m such a fucking creep._

“Yup.”

_...and one. Let's see what your excuse will be._

“I can see that. I’m excited about the elections. On Kite's podcast—it's a biodiversity podcast I listen to— they often talk about how politics influences the environment. And that it's important to vote. This will be my first election, I turned eighteen this year. Will you be voting too?”

“I think so, I’m also eighteen.” Killua was surprised Gon was still willing to continue their conversation. According to most polls, politicians were considered one of the least trustworthy groups. Generally, people considered political clans a breeding ground for nepotism and obnoxious privilege. Killua could attest that those people were spot on, he had the exact same thoughts about most of his own family, his schoolmates, and the friends of his parents. Not infrequently about himself, too.

“Isn't it exciting?” Gon apparently was an outlier.

“I don't know, maybe I’m jaded, but the shittiest candidate usually wins.” Killua said bitterly.

Gon laughed. “That's super jaded, you sound like my mum. She's very skeptical of politics as a rule and thinks all politicians are scumbags.”

“A smart woman. I like her already.”

Gon’s trousers gave off a roar. “It’s a bear warning call.” He said with a goofy smile as if that made anything clear. Then he pulled out his phone. “Damn, it's from my coach. I’m needed inside for photos and an interview. I’ll catch you later, Killua,” he said with a smile and ran back to the main building.

 

*

 

Meeting Gon slightly redeemed the day in Killua’s mind. It was a shame he had to go. Then again, he left before he realised what a boring idiot Killua was, so just maybe he made a good impression. Not that it mattered, he was never going to see Gon again, unless he would get brain damage and binge watch the next summer Olympics for some reason.

Killua slowly went back to the auditorium. He decided it was time to try to grab some food. The main wave of hungry people should have died down by now. He snubbed the tiny sandwiches and sushi platters. He passed by the gluten free vegan buffet. There was only one table of interest to him. Some kids were still at the chocolate fountain, but Killua was much taller than them, so it was easy to dip the fruit and marshmallows just by reaching above their heads. He ended up with a large pile of treats on his plate, with which he hoped to retreat into a corner.

A heavy hand landed on his shoulder.

“There you are, son, I wanted to introduce you to somebody.” Killua rolled his eyes, his father was not going to be pleased with his dinner choice. Besides, meeting his friends was the last thing Killua was in the mood for. He did his best to assume a neutral facial expression and turned.

Somehow his father was standing there with the bug boy, Gon.

“This is what I was talking about, my son has the worst habits. He sits all day in his room, presumably studying. But you know best what boys do in their rooms alone.” He was talking to Gon in a slightly conspiratorial tone as if they had been best buddies for years. Gon was standing there with an unreadable smile on his face, looking from Killua to his father and back. “You’re the same age as Killua, but very accomplished already.” _Thanks dad for the casual backstab. Also I’ve noticed he’s perfect, don’t need you to talk him up._ “So I thought you could give him some tips. About a proper protein diet, one a real boy has, for example.”

“I’m not sure...” Gon started but was ignored.

“Gon’s a wrestler. I used to wrestle in high school, I told Killua about this many times. But he tends to ignore his old folks.” He was still doing the bizarre act as if he and the bug boy were thick as thieves.

_I can name all your coaches, teammates and wins in major competitions, you ass!_

“So you two, talk to each other. Maybe you can convince my son to pick up a manly sport.”

He gave Gon a pat on the back that almost made the teen lose balance. “Later, son.” He threw one more disgusted look at Killua’s plate and disappeared into the crowd.

Gon was staring at Killua. He seemed both confused and amused. Killua turned around without a word and started walking towards an exit. Gon jogged after him.

“You’re dad is…nice,” he said finally.  

“You’re joking right? Although, to you he probably was. Since you are a ‘real man’. God, is your dad this embarrassing?”

“Oh, I don’t have a dad.”

Killua stopped dead in his tracks. _Fuck, what an inconsiderate ass I am. What do I say now? ‘I’m sorry?’ That would imply I think his dad is gone somehow. But what if he just has two mums?_

“I see.” _What the hell did I just say!? ‘I see’?! What is wrong with me._

“Don’t make a face like that. I’m sorry I said it like that. It’s not really a tragic story or anything. It’s a little funny actually. My mum says I was born of music.”

_Thank goodness, he’s human after all, not a perfect being from heaven. He and his mum are in some weird cult._

“That sounds interesting,” Killua said cautiously and bit into a strawberry. He finally got to consume some of the sweets he had gathered.

“Yeah, my mum used to party a lot when she was younger. And went to music festivals. She got pregnant with me during one.” _Oh great, I was wrong, his mother is just a saint._ “She says she doesn’t really remember any of the guys she met then. So, like, the only thing I can guess about him is that he wasn’t white,” Gon said matter-of-factly. Killua had a strange feeling that the teen had given the issue some thought before. He was right, though. He had this look which was hard to place, olive skin, almond eyes, symmetrical wide nose, thick dark hair. _Now I’m fucking staring at his beautiful face. Pretty. Nope, handsome? What the hell, he’s face is okay, okayish even. It’s a face, it’s normal._  

“Wow, she’s pretty amazing, being a single mother is tough.”

“My great-grandma used to help her, now she is a little too old, so we help her instead.”

“Sounds like you have a great family.”

“I do.” He smiled cheerfully. “And I’m sure your dad means well.”

_Boy, how wrong you are._

“He probably doesn’t know how to express himself,” Gon continued.

_Nope._

“And well, you seem pretty fit, especially if this is your regular diet.”

Killua raised his brows daring him to go on.

“You do some sports, don’t you?” Gon said cheerfully, completely unphased.

“I guess you can call it a sport, some do.”

“Oh?”

“I climb, mostly solo, and now, usually without a rope.”

“Mountains?”

“Rarely, decent rocks to climb are about a two hours drive away. I climb indoors in gyms, or up buildings around the city. But I don’t do team sports, or contact sports, aka the ‘manly sports’.”

“Hmm. Why not?”

“Because it’s not something you can just do. If you participate in something like that at school, they want you to take part in competitions, matches and what not.”

“So you don’t like to compete?”

“Not for somebody else’s pleasure. I can do it for myself, to prove something to myself. Like, I sometimes make bets with other people at the climbing gym. Whoever does a harder problem wins. Sometimes I race my friend and stuff. That sort of thing. But the stakes are only for me. Nobody’s expectations are riding on me. If I win it’s great, if I lose, I had fun and that’s that. If you ask me to race you now, I will. But I’m not going into some sport so my dad can have new trophies to put next to Illumi’s volleyball ones.” Killua finished his speech and stuffed his face with a chocolate dipped marshmallow.

“Who’s Illumi?”

“My oldest brother.”

“Oh, from talking to your dad I thought you’re an only child, like me.”

“Nope, just now I’m the major project. Or the major disappointment. Illumi and Milluki both have their lives sorted. Uni and work-wise. They’re both on the right track to Zoldyck greatness.”

“Hmm.”

“Ignore my dad, you’re not obliged to mentor me, or anything.”

“I don’t think I could mentor anyone. Especially not anyone my age.”

Killua finished his treats and looked around. There was no place to put away the plate apart from a large flower pot. Apparently several people had already been faced with a similar problem. Killua placed his plate next to the other ones under the huge leaves.”

“So you will race me…” Gon said, rocking gently.

“Eh?” Killua frowned, but then remembered. “Ah.”

“Just where to?” Gon pondered.

Killua took out his phone and turned on the map. Gon leaned in to take a peek. Killua shot a quick side-glance and beheld his features. He also caught his smell, soothing, earthy, maybe a cologne?

 _Good job on creepily sniffing somebody._ Killua scolded himself and concentrated on the screen.

“The Zevil park? It’s maybe two miles from here?” Killua said, memorising the route.

“To the gate?”

“There are like five gates. Look, there’s a cave in the middle.”

“To the cave then. Great!” Gon took off his suit jacket. “Ready?”

Killua did the same. He was super glad that current fashions allowed for trainers instead of dress shoes at such a teen-oriented, daytime event as this one.

“Ready.”

 

*

 

Killua was trying to check how his clothing fared after the run. The trousers did not seem ripped, but there were some mud stains here and there, clearly visible against the light grey fabric. His white shirt with tiny polka dots was a slim fit, so it was sweated through, but fine overall. Somewhere on the way, he had removed the tie and put it in his pocket; now it was crumpled. The same was true of his suit jacket, which he had squeezed tightly throughout his run. It was also caked in dirt, probably from the landing when he jumped the park fence.

When Gon got to the entrance of the cave, he was not only missing his forest green tie, but his shirt was unbuttoned and he was fanning himself with it.

_Don’t stare at his abs. Nor at his chest. Concentrate on the face, you fucking perv. But like casually._

Killua’s cheeks were pink from the exertion, but he was smiling triumphantly.  

“Winner,” Killua announced boastfully pointing to himself.

“You cheated.”

“Excuse me?”

“You jumped on that wall, and then ran across that locked yard. And later you were out of my sight so hell knows.”

“I don’t remember agreeing to some rule that we both have to take the same path.”

“You didn’t tell me that you knew a shortcut.”

“Because I don’t; when I was looking at the map I noticed this route. It looked promising so I took a gamble.”

“Sounds suspicious.” He pouted, which was so cute that Killua instantly dropped his eyes to look at Gon’s feet. He took note of how bland the dress shoes were and how the trouser legs seemed slightly too loose. Gon probably had just one suit and was still growing into it.

“I’ve never been to this part of town before. Don’t be a sore loser.”

Gon was sulking a little, possibly trying to find more arguments for his case.

“Let’s get something to drink. I’m the loser so I’m buying.” He suddenly cheered up.   

There was an ice-cream shop next to the entrance to the cave with a few tables around it. Killua ignored all the healthier options and went straight for the chocolate shake with a scoop of chocolate ice-cream.

Gon was shaking his head, just taking a bottle of water for himself.

“What? I burned calories. I deserve this.”

“Whatever you say, you’re the winner.” Throughout all that time, he did not have the decency to button his shirt back up. And now he decided it was not soft-porn-ish to pour some of the water on his neck before drinking the rest. Killua almost choked.

_Are you fucking kidding me? Is he targeting me? I need to get out of here before I get a boner._

He fixed his eyes on his drink and stirred it nervously.

“You warned me that you climb, but not that you do parkour.”

“Jumping a fence is not parkour.”

“You climbed it without even breaking pace. Like, you were on top of the wall in an instant and then just jumped down but over the fence. Pretty amazing.”

Killua snorted. “There wasn’t even one flip. I’m pretty sure if there’s no flip it doesn’t count.”

“Is that a rule?”

“How should I know? I told you I don’t do parkour. I feel one high risk hobby is enough.”

“So, could you climb this cave?”

_It looks pretty slimy inside. Slimy like a very bad idea._

“Maybe, I’d have take a closer look.”

“We should totally take a look.” Gon got up and went inside, and Killua followed him with the cup in his hand.

He was sure he ought not to expose his wardrobe to more damage. Then again, showing off in front of Gon did not seem like the worst idea.

Unfortunately, this was not to be. Gon’s phone gave off a series of unsettling insect-like sounds.

He answered it.

“Oh, I’m actually in a park.”

“I think it’s called Zevil park.

“Come on, it’s not that far.”

“I raced a friend here, but he won.”

“Okay, okay, I know you don’t care about the race.”

“When I ran here I saw this huge pizza joint, that chain you hate.”

“Yeah, that one. I’ll wait in the parking lot there, you’ll easily find it on the map.”

“See you, coach.”

“Let me guess. You need to go,” Killua said sipping his drink.

“Yeah, Wing will pick me up.” Gon finally began to button up his shirt and tuck it back into his trousers. The chill in the cave got to him a little. On the other hand, maybe he felt he should look presentable for his coach. They picked up their jackets from the table and headed towards the gate. Gon was leading.

“I’m an idiot. Listen, maybe you need a ride, Killua?”

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? We could drop you off back at that gala place, or even, you know, take you home.”

_Sure, all I need is to be stuck with you in a car, with some guy judging me for staring at you._

“Nah, but thanks for offering. I’ve already ordered a car.”

“Ah, okay. So, let’s exchange numbers.” Gon offered Killua his unlocked phone with the address book open. Killua automatically reciprocated with his phone.

“So, you’re Gon Freecss. Isn’t there a senator Freecss?” Killua said looking at his screen when he got the phone back.

“Yeah, he’s my uncle I guess. Well, he’s my mum’s cousin.”

“So a second uncle.” Killua erased the name Gon typed.

“Yeah, I’ve never met him. My mum is not very fond of him. Hey, what are you typing there?” Gon leaned in. “Bug boy? Seriously?”

_Well, “shower fantasy fuel for the coming weeks since I’m a total creep” is a little too long._

“Yup, so if you text me I’ll instantly know whom it’s from.”

“I’ll change you to… hmm… Chocolate addict.”

Killua laughed. “Suit yourself.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has its song. It's [Atletico by Rae Morris](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TI5KlSw8Ups&&ab_channel=RaeMorris).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Road trips with a walking temptation? More likely than you'd think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I learnt that I can't do different fonts here, even in the html, bummer. I wanted the chat to be a different font but it's not meant to be.
> 
> So I aligned it to the right, instead, to make it stand out. But if it's horrible to read tell me, I'll just align it normally.
> 
> Also sorry if anyone got a double notification for this chapter, I messed up and head to delete it and reupload it. XD

* * *

 

When they parted ways in the parking lot, it seemed to be the end of it. However, Gon texted him a day later. He also looked Killua up on social media, the official, practically dead accounts in the Zoldyck name, and followed them.

Killua followed him back. It was the wrong thing to do, his fragile gay mind was not ready for the content uploaded there. Gon’s Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, even the Snapchat, all seemed to cater almost exclusively to his wrestling career. Pages upon pages of Gon in a skimpy tight-fitting leotard. After an hour of obsessively scrolling through those, and saving some for future reference, Killua needed to take a shower. It was supposed to be a cold one. Killua was too weak for that. It turned steamy and filled with guilt. 

Luckily Gon remained oblivious to Killua’s thoughts, and other activities. On the internet it was easy, after all, to create an image of an upstanding nerd and not some total creepy mess. 

They started chatting regularly. In private conversations, Gon was a goofy outdoors and nature enthusiast. He sent Killua photos of various interesting plants and bugs he had encountered in his summer job at a landscaping company. Killua sent back photos from the climbing gym and the shelter.

Their friendship actually escalated at a slightly frightening speed. From casual nonchalant nothings, jokes and memes, it soon moved on to detailed conversations about their day. Killua often complained about his family. Mostly about how everything revolved around the political ambitions of his parents. Gon also voiced some issues, but with less bite. His coach was making moves on his mum. It was apparently equal parts amusing, awkward, and second-hand embarrassing because Wing had exactly zero game. He was a little bit of an unkempt mess, too. But he had a much more stable life situation than the previous boyfriends his mum had dated. Since they were spread a little thin financially-speaking that was not something to scoff at. Gon liked Wing, his mum did as well, but she was not sure she liked him that way, yet. Thus, whenever Wing dropped Gon off, the teen was exposed to really artless courting. His live texting of it always made Killua choke from laughter.

After a month of these rather frequent virtual exchanges, Gon finally came up with an idea for them to meet. Usually, their schedules did not line up, thus did not allow for any hanging out. Gon had work during the weekdays and practice in the evenings. Killua, on the other hand, often had family events at the weekends. 

 

bug boy

Listen my boss asked me to pick up some exotic plants from a horticulturist up north.

 

You

ok?

 

bug boy

It’s a 3 hour drive. maybe we could go together. 

I don't have any podcasts i’d like to listen to, at the moment.

 

You

so u want sb to help u with the heavy lifting

 

bug boy

no, i just thought it could be a nice road trip 

plus we haven't seen each other in person since the gala 

 

_ Liar. Totally wants help. _

 

You

we talk almost every day. 

even video chat. 

it’s not like you haven’t seen me.

 

bug boy

but it’s not the same 

it’d be a road trip 

also moon mirror caves are on the way, they have these lakes

 

You

i know what they are, bug boy

i see u came prepared. 

 

bug boy

maybe ;P

 

The Moon Mirrors were not hard to access as far as caves went, but the lakes in them were said to be truly picturesque. Killua had wanted to go there for ages. While Ikalgo was eager to drive with him to various rock formations outside the city, caves made him uncomfortable. He did not like confined spaces, so caves were always a non-starter. 

 

You

will we even have time to go down at least one?

 

bug boy

they close at 6

at that horticulturist’s

so if we leave at 7, have breakfast on the way, 

we will get to the caves 10ish, 

we’d need to leave at 4.30 

that gives us 6 hours easily. 

 

_ Aren’t you well prepared. _

 

You

sounds doable 

i’ll check my equipment and get back to you on that this evening.

 

bug boy

great :D  


 

*

 

The dreaded day came, and Killua was bracing himself waiting at the storage facility with all his equipment. He was also in full makeup and wearing a sleeveless tee with a strawberry pattern and green cargo shorts. He even went far enough to put on a rainbow bracelet Alluka made for him from yarn, so there would be no mistake. Killua half hoped that upon seeing him, Gon would just drive away without a word. This way the band aid would be ripped off quickly. Killua could file him under “homophobic jackass” and be done with this obsession. That would also allow Killua to guilt-free beat off to all those juicy wrestling pictures without the fear of having to look the guy in the eye later. It actually scared Killua a little how a single smile from Gon often completely bypassed his brain and struck straight into his libido. Even on some grainy and glitchy video chat, Killua was often left sweaty and awkward and pretending he had dropped his phone just to have a moment to cool off.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, Gon not only did not instantly drive away, but got out of the van.

Killua was rather undecided if it was a good thing, since it meant that his obsession would have a rich soil to take root in and grow to unknown proportions.

“You look great,” Gon said with his typical honest smile. 

_ What is that supposed to mean? What guy says that to another guy? _

“Thanks, you too.” Killua decided that the best defence was an attack. Gon was wearing an unassuming T-shirt with his company logo and a pair of pants that were clearly work jeans. In such plain clothing, he still was a vision.

Gon’s smile brightened at that. 

_ How is it even possible? How can one have a face and attitude like that? This is going to be pure torment. He is a progressive jock, he’s going to have me as his gay friend. This is the pits.  _

They packed the caving gear. 

 

*

 

The trip went exactly as planned. They had breakfast at a diner and then drove to the caves. Since it was the middle of the summer, and the entrance difficulty level was low, the place was rather crowded. Still, it was nice to go down to the underground lakes with Gon. He was a quick learner when it came to using the ropes. Killua even started thinking that maybe if he got his libido under control, he could try to make Gon his climbing partner. He looked excited enough after his first time. According to him there sure were plenty of nasty and slimy things living in caves for him to be eager to explore more. Killua just needed to quit the part where he almost drooled whenever Gon’s muscles moved under his tee. 

When they sat down for dinner in a steakhouse, Killua was beat. While the caving was not that taxing, moving the plants certainly was. They were damn heavy, and there were a lot of them. 

“My back is going to punish me tomorrow,” he whined a little while looking through the menu. There were no pancakes. He went to deserts. Those at least looked inviting. Chocolate indulgence cake definitely had his name written on it, maybe the cheesecake too? 

_ If I order two, won’t Gon think one’s for him? Maybe I need to order three? _

“Mine too. I didn’t think there’d be so many. I thought maybe five? But the van is almost full. Whatever. I’m thinking a steak with a few sides? We can share them, so we can choose a few different ones.”

“Sounds good, I’ll also have steak. And mushrooms, and that spinach salad looks nice.”

“Great.” 

They discussed a few other options and finally ordered. Gon ordered his own cake, so that solved Killua’s problem, he could get two for himself, one to go. 

“You’re impossible with all these sweets.”

“Am I judging you on that gross soup you ordered for yourself?”

“It’s only gross because you don’t like cooked peppers.”

“They’re slimy and stick to the roof of your mouth.”

“Fair enough,” Gon giggled. Then he got a little more serious. “Thank you for today. ”

“Chill, this is just a summer road trip so nothing to thank me for, besides, we’re friends, friends don’t thank each other for such trivial stuff.”

“Still, it’s my job thing. You really didn’t have to help me with the plants. I mean, I just didn’t want to drive alone for so long. I could have done the work by myself.”

“You took me to the caves, so a favour for a favour.”

Gon did not look too convinced but cheered up quickly. “I think we should do that again sometime, just maybe in a less popular place. I don’t mind when there are many people in a place where there should be many people, like my school. But it seemed so odd in a cave. And god, that guy, did you hear him?”

Killua made a confused face. “Which one?” 

“There was this guy, late twenties, I think. He was wearing this t-shirt with an eagle. Okay, maybe you didn’t notice him.”

_ I was probably too busy checking out your ass and keeping the drool under control, like a perv. _

“He was with his girlfriend, maybe, and tried to put on some moves. And he’s all: ‘Baby, you know what a cave symbolises, eh, eh? Going down, a cave?’” Gon was doing the exaggerated suggestive voice and Killua felt second-hand embarrassment building up in him. “And he even did the creepy eyebrow wiggle, the whole package. I mean, come on.”

“I totally missed that guy.” 

“Better for you, probably. She was totally not into it. What a cringe lord. So anyway, on the way out it all felt mildly sexual… you know: now I’m leaving this large dark hole.”

_ Is he for real?  _

“Thanks for sharing this titbit, I don’t know if I can purge it from my brain, ever.” Killua was sure his cheeks were burning bright red. 

“Aaa, I’m sorry I thought it was funny.” Gon was laughing, not embarrassed in the slightest. 

“Sort of, but also weird. I’m not sure if I want to go caving with you again.”

“No, come on. I take it back.”

“As if I could unhear it.”

“No, Killua, pretty please. I promise to do better.” He made the cutest puppy face Killua had seen in his life. Alluka had nothing on him, she was left way in the dust. “I’ve just seen too much bad flirting recently. It kind of stands out to me now.”

“Because of your coach?” Killua was desperately trying to hide how affected he was by that display of adorableness. Especially that Gon looked a little more serious now.

“Yeah.”

“It must be uncomfortable.”

“A little. But mostly I try to give them space. My mum has never had a serious boyfriend. At least I don’t recall any. When she dates guys it’s always casual. She says she has no time and patience for men. But Wing is clearly going for the steady guy position. So she’s a little meh about that. But I think…I’m going to college next year. A person to help with Greatgran wouldn’t be the worst thing. And generally to be there for her. I worry about that.”

“You’re very thoughtful, but I think it will develop naturally at this point. They both know what's up, she just needs to decide.” 

“Yeah, I’m just worried she might feel pressured by the circumstances. I mean, I’m like her, I think. I’m not that into relationships. A year ago I was dating my friend. It was almost this kind of high school sweetheart type of thing. I’ve known Retz since primary school. We’ve always hung out together at school. But we’re so different when it comes to pace or energy level. We work so much better as friends. I was relieved when we broke up and I managed to salvage the friendship.”

“Well, maybe you’ll meet somebody more your pace, one day.” 

“Yeah, maybe,” he said dismissively. “Right now there’s so little point anyway, but maybe in college. It’s not that I’m totally against that idea. But if I never find anyone it’ll also be okay. We have a great family even though my mum has never had a steady guy. It feels like something extra, you know, additional but not necessary. Especially since it's so easy to just hook up with people.”

_ Maybe for you, perfect specimen. _

“You meet people online?”

“In a sense, but no, not really. Kite organises lots of environmental actions and gatherings. It's all for a good cause. Plus, there are always lots of people there, often new people. So first activism, and then you can ask somebody out for coffee.”

“I can imagine you being a popular heartbreaker, you’re very outgoing.”

“It's not about breaking hearts. I just go for like-minded people, those who are simply looking for a one off. It's not that hard to spot them. They're pretty open about it, like I am. It's enough to steer clear of the shy, silent and awkward and you’re unlikely to bump into the needy long-term relationship types.”

Killua had never felt this called out in his entire life.

_ Is he judging me? Can he see through me so easily? He’s talking so casually. How would he even know how pathetic I am… I’ve told him nothing about my non-existent love life. Do I exude such an off-putting aura? Well, good to know, even if he wasn't straight he’d avoid me like the plague. _

“Sounds like you've got it all figured out. But it makes sense. College application season is stressful enough without that shit.”

_ Perfect save, now if it comes up that I’m single it’ll seem like something planned… I’m such a loser. _

“Yup!” The radiant smile that accompanied the word sent Killua’s mind spinning, again.

_ I can’t with this guy. He’s so weird. Nah, it’s me. I’m the fucked up one… he’s just unwittingly rejected me forever. I have exactly zero reasons to get all … and yet I do… what is wrong with me? Why am I so into everything he says and does? And it’s been like that ever since the first time I saw him… I’m such a ridiculous idiot. Is there a rehab for this sort of thing? _

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From this chapter on it was a little tricky to write because of the single pov. I usually write multiple povs, this is the first longer story where I decided not to include other perspectives, at least not until the epilogue. And I'm really worried how Gon will come off to all of you, because he's so filtered through Killua's thoughts, and the only genuine parts of his pov are in the dialogue... XD
> 
> I hope it works anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School starts and Gon gets into the inner circle aka meets the friends and family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hisoka is back in this chapter - just a warning.

* * *

 

When school started, Killua thought his summer friendship with the walking temptation would naturally dissipate. Killua went to one of the oldest and most prestigious private schools in town. Attending it was a family tradition, like most things in Killua’s life. Gon, on the other hand, attended an ordinary public high school which, even purely geographically, was nowhere near Killua’s.

After they had gone to the Moon Mirrors, Gon kept bringing up the subject of another day trip. Killua was afraid, however, to take his new friend to some less accessible spot. Gon had almost zero experience and did not know much about how to handle the equipment. Killua decided it would be reasonable for Gon to come to the climbing gym before any further excursions. There, Gon met Ikalgo and Squid, and in no time he was a part of the social media inner circle, and became privy to the secret accounts. On top of that, he befriended Alluka and Canary. Seriously, he managed to become their favourite person in a matter of weeks. For the life of him, Killua could not figure out how.

In autumn, shelter work stopped and full time cramming started. Afternoons and evenings were more often spent studying with Alluka and Canary than hanging out with Ikalgo. During previous years, the three of them would meet in the Zoldyck house or at Canary’s and do their own homework or help each other out with various things. Somehow, Gon managed to weasel his way into that arrangement. He was just probably aiming to ruin Killua's sanity.

When it was decided that the study group was on again, Alluka invited Gon to join in. He gladly accepted. He said it was hard for him to concentrate alone at home, and the guys from his school used so-called study sessions to either play games or talk about girls and sex. While Gon did not mind participating in that on principle, he needed to cram to increase his chances of getting into a good college.

He joined Killua and his friends whenever practice allowed him and fed off their silent studious demeanour. He also benefited from Canary’s kindness, as she was inclined to patiently explain maths to him; or Killua’s, who would quiz him on history and other subjects.

 

*

 

One thing Killua never expected he would ever be doing was streaming high school wrestling competitions, but this was suddenly a part of his life. Watching a low quality steady cam stream from some gym across the country. Sometimes during class on a muted phone. His grades sort of allowed for that, teachers usually paid him little attention. He was active enough on a regular basis so a quiet day did not raise any red flags. Canary laughed at him for this but also always wanted to be informed how Gon did when his turn came up. The streams were extremely basic, laggy and glitchy, so sometimes they failed to show results or just froze for a couple of minutes. If Killua managed to actually spot his friend he could quickly jump to the chat and congratulate him. Gon seemed super happy when that happened.

He was also very keen to hit the chat on the bus after the competitions. Killua was not all that sure if his guess was right (and slightly afraid to ask for clarification) but it appeared that Gon’s relationship with the most of the team was not very close. Envy probably played into that, Gon always brought home a medal even if it was not the golden one. Plus at this point, there was gossip of Wing’s poor attempts at romancing Gon’s mum. Circumstances like that tended to bring up malice in the less accomplished.

 

*

 

You

are you coming to study at Canary’s today or are you too beat?

 

bug boy

since i was doing the beating i’m actually pretty pumped. so i’ll be there. we’re back in town already, wing will drop me off.

 

You 

so the sportscast is over and the soap starting

 

bug boy 

XD

 

You 

>:P

 

\----------------

bug boy 

we’re actually stopping by the florist’s

 

You 

classy

 

bug boy 

he bought a potted plant…

wait it’s a cactus

 

You 

!

no fucking way

 

bug boy 

and yet

 

\----------------

bug boy

ok, so we have the standard

you look good, your hair looks nice

(she has not changed her hair in two years)

god she’s so confused by the cactus… cactus is a bad plant, no?

 

You 

I don’t know… it looks unfriendly, but I guess some graveyard flowers could be worse…

 

bug boy 

oh now he explains

the cactus is durable you see,

and low maintenance,

god now she joked that he thinks she’s a bad housekeeper

can’t keep a plant alive

he totally walked into that

 

You

I think he wanted to say he is low maintenance

 

bug boy 

yup

think so too

that epically backfired

now he’s running away

XD

 

You 

XD

 

bug boy 

anyway, will Canary’s grandma cook or should I eat something

 

You 

nah, she’ll cook as usual.

 

bug boy 

ok

i’m going to the car now

see you in 20

 

*

 

After studying they often went climbing together. Gon had a car and seemed to think that driving Killua around was a form of compensation for the help with learning, or so Killua suspected. Maybe he just enjoyed climbing. It was fun after all.

“So, are your sister and Canary dating?” Gon asked while they were changing in the locker room one of those times.

Killua stopped and looked at him surprised.

“Why would you say that?”

“They sit so close together, even if they are working on other things. And they touch casually so often. You know, and share the looks.”

“What looks?” Killua was feeling like a complete idiot. There was a rather high probability that if there was something between the girls he would miss it unless they started kissing in front of him.

Then Gon gave him the look, it was from under half closed lids, long, sticky and full of intent.

Killua’s heart stopped for a moment. He was sure he was red all over, and then panic set in.

_What the fuck! Stop! Oh god, do I have a boner? Please, let me not have one while I’m wearing nothing but pants and a t-shirt. Not that the shorts would have helped that much, at least my t-shirt’s long and loose. Oh, thank goodness it’s not as bad._

When he realised he did not in fact get over-excited, he was finally capable of exhaling.

“This sort of look.” Gon’s face was back to its typical state which meant a slight smile.

_He’s probably blissfully unaware he almost gave me a heart attack. And a boner. Jackass._

“Oh, hmm, I haven’t noticed. I’ll try to pay attention next time.”

The rest of the evening Killua was a little shaken and clumsier than usual. For one, he was sure the look was going to become a staple of his shower fantasy repertoire. The second thing was Alluka. Ever since she agreed to participate in their father’s election effort, she had less time to spend with Killua and they barely talked outside of social media or the study sessions, even though she lived in the next room. He needed to talk to her.

When he got home he knocked on her door.

“Come in.”

She was in bed already in a bunny pyjama. She sat up and put down her phone when he came in.

“Hi, how are things?” He said, sitting next to her.

“Good.” She smiled. “We saw each other like three hours ago, you should know.”

“I guess I should, but you forget I’m your stupid clueless brother.”

She rolled her eyes.

“It’s true. Do you want me to go? Am I bothering you?”

“No, come on,” she said, taking his hand. “What is going on with you? You’re a little weird.”

“Eee… ” Killua felt very awkward asking. “You see Gon said…you and Canary… I mean…are you dating Canary?”

She squeezed his hand and blushed.

“Maybe?” She looked at her checkered blanket. “I don’t know what we’re doing.” She laughed a little. “I mean, I’ve had a tiny crush on her for a while. You know, since we did the science project together two years ago.” He remembered how much fun the two of them had, building the small robot, Canary handling most of the mechanisms, Alluka designing it, even Milluki helped by teaching them programming, hinting upon the fact that there was a human side to him and maybe if he was born in a different family he could have actually been a decent guy. “Recently I’m starting to feel more comfortable with myself, with the therapy and all, so I kind of started to flirt. And she is flirting back… I think. But Gon noticed, so I think it’s true!” She suddenly lit up.

“I’m very happy for you.” He embraced her.

“Yeah… So maybe we’ll be dating soon. I hope so.”

She pulled away and her face became serious again. “Then again… could she even want me?”

“You’re the best, she’s lucky you want her.”

“I’m serious, Killua!”

“So am I, if I was into girls I’d be super happy if I found one even half as great as you.”

“Aargh! You’re my brother, you’re contractually obligated to say things like that!” She frowned at him.

“What’s going on? Why are you afraid Canary would reject you? I think she’s bi.”

“Yeah, she is… It’s just that I… I’m…” She braced herself. He remained silent, gave her time to collect her thoughts. “I read some comments under my interview in the Times. Some of them were very mean.”

“Don’t read that stuff. Comment sections are the cesspit of humanity, only the worst people have the time to actually write there.”

“Killua, I’m being serious.”

“I am, too. Ikalgo makes the least controversial videos in the world. He’s not claiming he’s the best, he’s not attacking anyone. Still, some people come there and shit on him for random things.”

“Do you mean I’m controversial?”

Killua sighed. “Allu, please. What I think is that you’re 100% delightful and in no way controversial. The problem is with how stupid some people are. Not with you. Never with you.”

“Sorry, I’ve known from the start that I’d be exposing myself to...words…and things. Even our parents didn’t use to be okay with me. So people online… I’ve always known there are those who hate trans people.” She paused. “But also some people who say they don’t hate me for being trans…they still…Killua, do you think I’m selling my soul?”

“No.” He said strongly. “You told me that I don’t understand how you feel. How it is for you. And you were right. If this helps you feel better, more confident, then it’s good. It’s right for you. Our family was such hell for you. If it’s even a tiny bit better now…you have the right to be happy. The people online don’t know your situation, their judgement is pure spite.”

“But I’m endorsing him. We both know I’m just a prop to make him less unappealing. Dr. Paradinight is a better candidate.”

“And he will win. People are not so easily tricked as they used to be. Thanks to social media and independent press. The fact that they are shitting on you is sort of a proof of that. They see it’s for show. All those sugary photo shoots and fluff pieces. They attack you because they are stupid enough to think it’s easy for you. But in the meantime you will transition, our parents can't take that away from you.”

“Well, if he loses... “

“Okay, even if, maybe they won't pay for the surgery and you’ll need to wait until we can pay for it ourselves. But they can't go back to calling you a boy. That’s already done. Even if he loses, he’s still the attorney general, a public figure. If he tried to pull shit like that the media would drag him through the mud.”

“I don’t even know if I want the surgeries, mum jumped on that idea…I think she thinks it’s mandatory or something.”

She sighed and pulled him into hug.

“Yeah, I doubt she’s done any research…you’ll do what feels right for you. I’ll support you either way.”

“Thank you, I’m a little scared.”

“I know. Me too. But I’m here for you. Also, I’m rooting for the Canary thing.”

“Just don't tell her. What if it's a false alarm and she's not…”

“Well, the only person with a big mouth we all know is Gon, and he is onto you.”

“Aaa.” Alluka got out of the embrace and frantically searched for her phone, probably burying it deeper into the blanket. “I need to talk to him!”

Killua giggled a little and helped her look.

 

*

 

They just finished the learning session and Killua was walking Gon to his car when Silva Zoldyck pulled into the driveway.

“Ah, hello champ,” he addressed Gon enthusiastically as he approached them. “Son.” Killua less so. “I’ve heard you study together now,” Silva said.

_Why are you home so early? Oh right, the dinner party._

“Yes, sir,” Gon said politely.

“That's good. Maybe now it's more learning less kissing.” He was doing the conspiratorial act again; clearly Gon was more of the son he wanted.

_If there’s ever been any kissing going on, it just might be right now, since Allu and Canary are alone._

“Are you going already?” He was speaking to Gon as if Killua was not there.

“Yes, sir. We’re done for today.”

“Do you have practice today?”

“No, sir.”

“Then you should stay for dinner. We’re having guests over. My wife would be delighted if you joined us, I told her so much about you.”

“I wouldn't want to impose.” Gon had his unreadable polite smile on again.

“Nonsense, you're such a good influence on Killua, I’d love you to meet Kalluto and my other s…my daughter and talk to them. Killua, go to the kitchen, say we’ll have one more.”

“Isn’t it a dinner party? Gon would have to go home to get changed. Wouldn’t that be an unnecessary  hassle?” Killua attempted to spare his friend.

“Good point, Killua,” Silva said with a smile that made Killua lose all hope. “Come, champ. I’ll lend you a shirt.” He took away any line of protest.

“Thank you, sir. I’ll just text my mum that I’ll be home late.”

Silva gave Gon a solid pat on the back and ushered him back towards the house. Killua quickly ran to the kitchen. He was angry and embarrassed by how his dad was acting.

He found them later in the den, where next to numerous hunting trophies ( _Nature-loving Gon must be feeling super comfy here, dad._ ), other tokens of family achievements were displayed. Almost none of these were Killua’s, and that irked his parents. He had long given up on almost all competitive disciplines.  The only thing he knew he could not completely ignore was the debate team, he needed something for his college application.

His dad was walking Gon through the stories of his wrestling victories. Gon was wearing a slightly-too-large lilac shirt tucked into loose, dark grey slacks, and of course there was the mandatory tie. He did not look half bad despite it being borrowed clothing. Although Killua suspected he would find Gon attractive in a potato sack, so there was that in terms of objective assessment.  

“Ah Killua, there you are,” Silva said as if he was surprised that his son had been gone.

_You sent me on an errand! Plus I needed to actually get changed myself. For your dinner party, which I have no interest in coming to._

“I’m telling Gon about the state championships in 1986. You should listen too, for once.”

Killua’s lips formed a thin line.

_I can tell this story backwards and possibly in rhyme, in three languages! One being Latin!_

He decided to ignore that dig. He dropped to the leather couch on the other side of the room, fuming in silence. Gon was calmly indulging his father, only sometimes throwing an amused and slightly apologetic smile in Killua's direction.

Someone sat down on the sofa armrest right next to Killua. Uncomfortably close. Killua's nose was assaulted by expensive perfume.

_Fucking Morow. Of course. Because my evening wasn't enough of a nightmare._

“Why are you invited, creep? Isn’t it mum’s soirée?”

“Not really. We’re having a strategic meeting after dinner. Pariston Hill, from the...”

“Party leadership, I know, cut to the chase.”

“Such a smart boy you are,” he said too sweetly and tried to tousle Killua’s hair. Killua thanked his reflexes as he managed to dodge that. “He’s here, also the local party chair, and the chair of election finances committee. And your oldest brother is also coming.” The last sentence was way too lewd for comfort. Hisoka’s baseline, to which Killua was slowly adjusting, regrettably, was very suggestive already. Somehow he always managed to push the line.

“Oh, great.” Killua rolled his eyes.

_Here I hoped it would be the regular ensemble of mum and dad’s boring colleagues. But no, I couldn’t possibly be this lucky. Not only will there be dad’s slimy party buddies, but Illumi and his vapid fiancée are coming. #the Joy. Thank goodness Milluki’s college is in a different state, or Gon would have to experience #the Zoldycks in our full glory._

“You must be on the ropes, though, I doubt Hill would be here if you were doing as good a job as your boasting would suggest,” Killua said venomously.

“It’s an important state, of course the leadership is interested,” Hisoka said as if he was explaining something obvious to a daft child. Killua had been born into politics, however, pulling wool over his eyes was not that easy. Had things been going smoothly, all the talk would have been done on the phone or by email. They were all here to plot something vicious and leave as little paper trail as possible.

“Don’t make me laugh, a no name doctor backed by small individual donors seems to be going toe to toe with my dad in the polls. It’s not easy to sell a hollow candidate nowadays, when his opponent is running on healthcare for all, living wages, and environmental protections for water sources and beyond. You know, issues that people actually lose sleep over.”

“I’m so glad to hear the youth is so involved and enthusiastic. Even if you lack the proper understanding of how the world functions.” Hisoka’s voice was sickeningly sweet.

Killua snorted at the patronizing dismissive tone.

“There, there, young and angry one.” He tried to pat Killua again. This time Killua did not manage to dodge all of it, so he swatted Hisoka’s hand away. Then the man changed the subject. “You should be in high spirits, though, not performing teen angst in the corner. I see your dad approves of your cute boyfriend. He’s practically adopted him.”

“What?! Gon’s my friend. Stop with the trashy innuendos.”

“Ah, so he’s unspoken for.” The man quickly got up. “Don’t mind if I do, then.”

_Holy shit! No! Get back here… No, not here. Just fucking leave!_

Hisoka went up to the trophy cabinet and seamlessly joined the conversation. Gon seemed absolutely unbothered by the overly friendly man, who was instantly in his personal space.

_Stranger danger, Gon! Don’t you have any self-preservation instincts? For fuck’s sake!_

After a few minutes Killua got up and reluctantly went there, just to try to get in between Gon and Hisoka. Until they were called for dinner, he did nothing but glare daggers at the creep.

 

*

 

The dinner was excruciating. Killua’s parents and their guests talked about the weather, the cocktail circle and sports while everyone under twenty just sat there quietly, eating and waiting for the ordeal to end. Hisoka somehow managed to get a chair next to Gon, who ended up in between the creep and Killua's father.

It was on one side unbearable, on the other terrifying. Despite that, Gon’s spirits did not falter, and he seemed to be mostly amused by the whole thing.

Unfortunately, at some point the conversation topics somehow went off the polite boring path.

“Paradinight isn’t married, that used to make a thirty-five-year-old man seem suspicious. Untrustworthy. Clearly can’t find a good woman and start a proper family,” the local party chair commented.

“Now thirty-five is still young,” Silva weighed in, obviously defending Illumi, who was already past thirty and had yet to tie the knot.

“Also the good doctor is allegedly in a long term relationship with his campaign manager.” Hisoka commented casually, obviously he was on top of all the spicy gossip from the opposing camp.

“That pure diversity hire? Oh please. Well the face is pretty, I wouldn’t say no to that if it was still attached to a girl.” The finance committee chair laughed disgustingly at his own joke. Some smirks followed. “That’s what I don’t understand about the trannies. First they want to dress up as the opposite sex, that’s strange enough. But then they still want sleep with the opposite sex? That’s some mental gymnastics.”

Killua scraped loudly along his plate as he impaled his steak with a knife, his hands were shaking with rage. He glared at his parents waiting for some reaction. Alluka was sitting next to him, close to tears. The only thing keeping her from unravelling was Canary holding her hand under the table.

“How do you find the veal?” Kikyo tried to change the subject, without success. Her stiff upper lip did not tolerate subjects like those at the dinner table, especially around children. It had nothing to do with protecting her daughter. Observing the proper etiquette was her priority. It would have got the disgusting men off their bigoted topic had they not been sexist enough to completely ignore Killua’s mother.

“The radical left is not known for logic.” The local chair continued. “Regardless. That just shows how green  Paradinight is. You don’t date the staffers. They are casual entertainment, everyone knows that.”

“Well, I heard that the old dog Freecss is coming to attend rallies with Paradinight in a few months, as a final push before the vote. He knows very well how it’s done. He’ll educate the boy on how to handle the staff,” Pariston Hill said with his famously bright smile. His face always made him look like he was a warm encouraging uncle giving a bracing pep talk, even while his mouth spewed the most heinous things. “Probably through a demonstration.” Again some snickering came from the other politicians. Killua shot a worried look towards Gon. His friend was observing Hill with mild interest. He did not seem particularly unnerved that his relative was mention in such a context.

“Well, at least in this household the true meaning of family persists.” To Killua's utter shock it was Hisoka who made the next attempt to drop the subject. “I propose a toast to our hosts, their happy marriage and charming children.” He got up. Everyone followed and a toast was made. Silva kissed his wife on the cheek.

Later Illumi began talking about an interesting, in his opinion, case he was working on. Kikyo sighed with relief that decorum was restored.

_Why on earth did the creep stop that? Shouldn’t he delight in a gross subject like that? What’s his agenda here?_

The thought did not leave Killua for the rest of the evening.

 

*

 

“I’m so sorry.” Killua started to apologize profusely when they again got to Gon’s car that evening.

“Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad.”

“My dad’s friends were being so embarrassing. The talk about your uncle…”

“I don’t mind, really. I actually don’t know him, and well my mum would probably say worse things about him, if she was here. It’s okay. I’m more worried about Alluka…”

“Yeah, Canary’s with her. And I’ll go to her in a moment.”

“Good that Hisoka saved the day.”

Killua rolled his eyes and snorted.

“Okay, okay, I know I should apologize.”

“You? For what?” Killua was utterly puzzled.

“You know.” Gon smiled knowingly. “I wasn’t trying to sweet talk your man.”

“My what?” Killua’s eyes were the size of saucers.

“Your boyfriend? Although the word seems a little off in this case. Partner?”

Killua was completely lost.

“You know, Hisoka.” Gon said with a wide smile.

_Are you high? Did you drink my dad’s wine? Or like, everyone’s wine?!_

“Come on, with this face. I guessed you’re hiding it from your parents, I’ve never dated a guy that old, and I suspect my mum would probably be against it. It is unusual, but there is the experience, and the flair. I can sort of see being into that.”

Killua heard his teeth click as he closed his mouth. He had no idea when he opened it in the first place.

_This is some alternative reality..._

“I’ve noticed you two being cute on the couch. And how jealous you got, later. The look you were giving him all the time, when we were talking. I’m sorry if I made you feel like that. I didn’t mean to.”

“A e a uh.” Killua could not form a proper word. “I would never! He’s super gross. A fucking creep, and he’s almost forty!”

“Don’t need to be defensive about it.”

“I’m not being defensive! He’s a fucking perv. He gets into my private space, like, every time. Without my consent and I hate it. He does that with everyone. Even with you, didn’t you notice? I’m honestly scared for my younger siblings when he’s in the house! I went there to shield you! Because you clearly have no self-preservation instincts.”

_This is the pits._

“Okay, I get it. You’re not dating. So he’s single, isn’t he? He’s already friended me on Facebook.” Gon said with a playful smile.

_He’s joking. He has to be… He’s just saying this to yank my chain…_

“Have fun then, knock yourself out. Just remember about condoms. He’s been around town at least thrice.”

“I do value experience.”

“Good night, Gon.” Killua said turning around and stomping home.

“Night, Killua.”

Killua could hear him giggle.

_Fuck you. That visual is going to haunt me for days. Fucking straight boy, having a laugh at my expense. Next time you’ll check your civics essay, alone. Smartass._

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who reads! I'm glad you're enjoying this. 
> 
> There are some scenes in this chapter that i really like. The last one is one of them, I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> In the first draft it was a multiple pov fic with more storylines, in particular an Allunary side ship. That got cut out due to word limits and general structuring issues. But I have some scenes from that plot line and [you can check them out here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14723747/chapters/34032176).


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short sightseeing tour of Gon's home. And a party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There are some mild mentions of abusive behaviours and stress related disorders.

* * *

 

Eventually Gon invited Killua, Alluka and Canary to his place to study. He seemed worried how they would react, but Alluka was so curious to see his room that she wore him down on the issue. Canary backed her up, arguing that it seemed a little unfair that at least once a week he was eating like a king when her grandma prepared multi-course dinners for them. When they were studying at Killua’s, there were also refreshments served, although nothing as delightful as granny's homemade food. Kikyo Zoldyck had them on a gluten-free vegetarian diet unless there were important guests in the house. She had come up with the idea when Milluki still lived at home and she had been trying to get his weight under control. Unfortunately, it stuck even after he got into college. Killua was thankful that chocolate had no gluten because, apart from his wardrobe, he would have to store food in his secret locker.

Gon lived in a small house in a lower middle class area that was rather on the decline. While the building was not as dilapidated as some of the neighbouring ones, it definitely had seen better days. It was arranged with functionality in mind, clearly different pieces of furniture were added when needed, not like the carefully curated environments of the Zoldyck household. Killua’s mum followed her own precise vision while designing everything, that included his bedroom.  

Gon had a typical teenager’s room, a little messy, a little too cramped. Books, a computer, posters on the walls–in his case with frogs, bugs and other endangered animals. Some of his trophies and medals were there, although a lot of them were also displayed throughout the house. Alluka was nosily inspecting everything. 

“Uuu, look. What a cute guy.” She pointed to one of the photos on a shelf above Gon’s desk.

“Sure is,” Canary said taking a peek.

“Who’s that?” Alluka asked. 

“Oh, that’s Kite. He’s my hero. I was lucky, he posed with me at one of the rallies.” Gon explained. 

Killua stood by the door, he decided he was not going to be nosy and creepy like the girls. He was scrolling through his Tumblr feed, waiting for them to finish their privacy intrusion and go down to the living room where they could study more comfortably. 

He had originally joined Tumblr to look after Alluka. She wanted to follow architecture and design blogs, topics she was very passionate about and considered career-wise. She was fifteen at the time, and he felt it better to monitor what she was doing, even though he was only a year older. He figured together they had a better chance to protect each other from Internet assholes. With time Alluka started a side blog with her own art and projects. He kept to following various politically oriented people or LGBTQ themed blogs and reblogging stuff from there, although it got tedious now and then. The so-called “discourse” was eating its own tail at times.  

He had not checked his feed in over a week. He had to take a break from the site after he witnessed some shitstorm about who should belong in the LGBTQ community, as a result of which he unfollowed and blocked certain people. He usually did not interact with anyone, did not share his thoughts or try to make friends. Generally he kept to himself, so even though he had a few mutuals and some followers, they never really tagged him in their posts… and yet somebody did. 

_ Who the fuck is shwingmagician? I’ve never followed anybody like that… And they’re not one of my followers, are they… No, wait, they are… since when? Is that a porn bot… but they don’t @, do they? What the fuck? _

There was not one but several posts marked @othercat (Killua’s nickname on his secret social media). A little unsettled, he clicked. It was a photo of Gon wrestling. Linked from Gon’s Instagram. A great photo, one of the best and Killua’s favourite. Gon looked really powerful in it. The tags… 

#fetish #tween #twink #wrestling #high school wrestling #for lonely nights #tackle me baby #look at those thighs #sit on my face

Suddenly Killua felt awfully hot. Gon, Alluka, and Canary were still chatting about that Kite guy, Killua slipped out of the room and looked for the bathroom. 

He locked himself inside and had a small panic attack as guilt and confusion flushed over him. 

_ What blog is this? Whose? How do they know me… they must know me. It’s too precise to be a coincidence. _

He quickly scrolled through the first two pages. Photos, drawings, and gifs of people. All genders, ethnicities and body types. Some explicit and pornographic, others seemingly innocent but sexualised through the tags. Not a bot definitely, some were tagged: ‘me’ or ‘my evening’; implying that the people featured in these were the owner and his conquests. While also nudes, these were either framed not to include faces at all or the subjects were wearing masks. The owner was clearly a white male who exercised a lot. 

The horror of the realisation made him drop to his knees. Hisoka. The body type matched more or less, Killua had never seen the guy in anything else than a well tailored suit. However, no one else outside of his actual friends knew his social media nickname. Only the creep. It was Hisoka’s personal blog… Where he put Gon’s photos, tagged them in an obscene way and @ them at Killua…and they already had plenty of notes…the pervert obviously had many followers among his equally disgusting peers. 

_ I can’t report this, it’s properly credited. Oh, god. He’s beating off to Gon… And he’s bragging about it to me. No… he’s not bragging. It’s like a wink of camaraderie. ‘I know you do it too’… Oh fuck. _

Killua remembered how many times he fantasized about being tackled by Gon. Whenever he watched his friend throw down an opponent, it looked very uncomfortable and yet bizarrely desirable. Killua's daydreams and jacking off material featured almost exclusively Gon, ever since they met. It had been lying heavily on Killua’s conscience before. Now it sent him down a dark path of self-hatred. 

_ What am I supposed to do now? Tell Gon? Gon doesn’t even have a Tumblr…and he knows my nickname from the other accounts, he will see these were @ me. He will realise what a disgusting creep I am… This would make him feel so bad… So many people reblogged the photos already… I can’t even go to Hisoka and order him to take them down… They’re not stolen, and Gon isn’t a minor anymore, not legally at least.  _

Killua felt a sudden urge to delete his account, but he knew Alluka would notice and ask him why he did that. He blocked Hisoka, but that hardly solved the problem. 

“Killua, where are you?” He heard Canary’s concerned voice.

“In the bathroom, I’ll be out in a moment.” 

“Okay, Gon’s mum’s back. He wants to introduce us.”

Killua looked at himself in the mirror. His face was still a little flushed. He tried to wash it without smearing his eyeliner. 

Gon’s mother and great-grandmother proved to be as lovely as Killua expected. They were both very excited to meet Gon’s new friends, especially since they were the ones he studied with. That was apparently reflected in his better grades. 

They ordered take-out so as not to burden Gon’s mum with cooking for three extra people. She assured them that it would not be a problem since they fed her son on a regular basis. It was clear, however, she was a little relieved, she worked full time after all. She did not need extra chores. 

The whole evening would have been lovely if Killua could forget the horrible blog. Actually the blog was not the problem. Just the fact that Killua was exactly as much of a creep as Hisoka. He fantasised about an innocent, oblivious boy who was pure enough to consider Killua a friend. While he was no such thing. He was a slimy stalker who followed Gon around to get fresh material for his disgusting needs. 

_ I’m the worst kind of person. I must never think of him like that… ever again. _

 

*

At some point the day came when Killua was invited to cheer on Gon in person. The competition was in their home town, at Gon’s high school. It was the first time ever that Killua ditched school, and he felt a little apprehensive about it. He excused himself with an upset stomach and stayed home. Then he snuck out and changed. For a moment he considered wearing his preppy home clothes, since Gon’s school friends were supposed to be there. Then again, he was Gon’s diversity friend, should he not look the part? 

There were actually more people at the gymnasium than Killua expected. Apparently the school was very supportive of its team and encouraged students to cheer on them. There were three mats laid out in the middle of the court where matches took places concurrently. When they were not fighting, the wrestlers hang out on the rafters with their team mates or friends. Gon actually noticed Killua and took him to his classmates.

“This is Retz and Atar,” he introduced Killua. 

They spent the whole competition together. Killua was glad he was not alone with his thoughts. For the past couple of weeks he had been struggling with getting the filth out of his mind, and it was an uphill battle, especially whenever Gon instagrammed a new photo.  It was a huge relief having somebody to talk about various subjects, not only about handsome guys striking all too thought-provoking poses on the mats in front of them. 

First they compared schools, which turned into discussing post graduation plans. Everyone was worried about college admissions. They all had already sent their applications and were waiting for results. Gon applied to many universities and hoped at least a few would consider him so he could choose a good financial support package. Without it, he would need to get into serious debt to get a degree, and he was not sure it was a good idea. He said that if he does not get in anywhere on good terms, he would probably just get a job to help his mum out instead of studying. His friends had similar concerns, whether coughing up a significant amount of cash on higher education was even worth it in the long run. Killua knew it was the reality for many people, he had reblogged posts about it. He had just never actually heard people talk about it. At his school, tuition money was not an issue. This problem, like many other very real ones, seemed abstract to him. 

At the shelter there were some people his age, but he never really got close enough with them to get past small talk. He mostly hung out with Ikalgo, who was twenty one and worked full time at his uncle’s construction company. He had never finished high school because he was not interested in academic pursuits. He liked working on renovating houses, it paid well enough. On top of that he was taking plumbing courses to get even better gigs. A life like that allowed him plenty of time for his hobby. 

Killua’s life was pre-planned. All Zoldycks were expected to pursue higher education. They could afford it. His only concern was to have an option to go to a different school than the rest of his family attended. That was why he ‘bumbled’ the early admission to the chagrin of his parents. Another failure of his in their eyes. He would have got in for sure, and his fate would have been sealed. Consequently, he was stressing with the rest of them, but for completely different, truly trivial reasons.

_ I’m such a spoilt brat. I don’t even want to go to college that much… not that I’d want to do anything else either…  _

He tried not to talk about his college fears too much. Not to sound like an entitled idiot. As soon as he found an opening, he changed the subject to hobbies. 

Retz was deeply into handcraft and doll making. She was actually considering making a career out of it, regardless if the uni panned out. Killua was sure Alluka would have loved her, he was regretting that he did not let his sister skip school with him. Atar was her boyfriend and a total comic book geek. Apparently they bonded over figurines. 

Gon seemed pretty happy that Killua hit it off with them without a hitch. It also turned out that Retz actually knew the rules of wrestling. She had been friends with Gon for so long that she soaked it up without even trying. Killua was impressed with her knowledge, he was still learning, and half the time he was not sure if his friend was winning or losing. 

In the end Gon won his weight to the delight of most people present.  

He ran up to them after talking to his team and Wing. 

“So, party time!” He said with a huge smile on his face. 

Killua made a confused face.

“He didn’t tell you, did he?” Retz sighed knowingly. “It’s a tradition that when we have the competition here, Zushi organizes a huge party at his place.”

“Well isn’t it obvious?” Gon said slightly defensively. “That we’re all going.”

“Eee.” Killua did not plan for that. It was one thing cheering on Gon, another going to a party full of strangers. Gon was smiling at him… “Yeah.” He gave in.

“Great. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, it’s such a tradition it didn’t occur to me that you wouldn’t know.” He said slightly bashfully. “Anyway I need to change…that reminds me, I’d like to ask a favour of you, so could you come with me to the locker room, Killua?”

_ Do you want a victory blow job from your cheerleader?  _

The thought appeared in his head and he suddenly felt the need to run away and throw himself off the nearest bridge.

_ Why am I such a fucking pervert? Why can’t I turn it off? Why can’t I be a normal friend? _

“Sure.” He got up as casually as he could, pretending he was not being a creep at that very moment. 

Gon sent him the smile again and then looked at Retz and Atar. “See you there?”

“Yup.” They waved at him.

Gon took Killua to the locker room. Some of the other guys gave them suspicious looks, as they entered, but no one commented.

“So...what’s up? I’ve been in a locker room with you before, I know you don’t need help zipping up your dress.” 

Gon giggled. “Now I sort of wish I did.” He took off the leotard. “I’ll hit the shower and tell you later. Wait here.” He picked up his shower gel and towel. 

When he left, the atmosphere became slightly more hostile, so Killua tried to keep his eyes on his phone. The other guys just whispered between themselves. Maybe he was paranoid, but Killua thought he heard ‘faggot’ thrown around. 

Locker rooms had this strange dynamic to them. Guys often acted in them in a weirdly homoerotic fashion, there was a lot of parading naked, slapping and pinching going on, accompanied by hyper masculine posturing. Killua never engaged in any of that, he always changed as quickly as he could and never made eye contact with anyone, or dared comment on anyone’s appearance. He perfected these techniques further when he started to shower and change in the same room as Gon. Eyes on the wall or the floor, thoughts directed towards something neutral or even nasty.

He did that all because, when an obviously gay person appeared in a locker room, all those semi-homosexual behaviours ceased, replaced by awkwardness, or even open aggression. 

Killua sat up defiantly, exposing his white tee with a cute black and pink cat face, which he wore together with skinny jeans. He straightened his unzipped pastel galaxy hoodie. They did not try to engage him, but he somehow felt the need to look as unbothered as possible.

When Gon came back, most of the other guys had already left.

“You carry your cosmetics with you, don’t you? I saw you touch up sometimes.” He asked as he started to dress. 

“Well, yeah, the eyeliner. Why are you asking?”

“I thought maybe you could do my eyes, for the party. If that’s okay…” He pulled on a form fitting black t-shirt. 

Killua licked his lips, distracted by the view. Also somewhat thrown by the unexpected request. “Sure, if you want.” 

“I think it’ll be a good party look.” Gon took out some product and started to spike up his hair.

Then he straddled the bench next to Killua and closed his eyes. Killua giggled a little, looking at his concentrated face. He steadied Gon’s head by putting a hand along his cheek and leaned in. For the first time, he had the opportunity to marvel at the perfect face up close. Tiny freckles peppered the cute nose and cheeks. Suddenly he felt much too hot in his hoodie, but he proceeded regardless. He drew two neat lines on Gon’s eyelids. 

“Done, I think.”

Gon got up to go to the mirror. “Now I look a little like you.”

“I’m not sure that’s an improvement.” Killua said, trying to hide how hard it was for him to breathe after touching Gon’s face.

_ Somebody put me out of my misery. _

“Nah, it definitely is.” 

_ I doubt your wrestling buddies will think that. Not only do you hang out with a faggot, but you wear makeup like one. It’s your school, though, and you know what you’re getting yourself into, I hope. Although this party might be the worst.  _

“We can go now, I think.”

 

*

 

Zushi lived in a much better neighbourhood than Gon. His parents had a big house with a sizeable yard and a pool. The amount of kids there was overwhelming, and there were no adults in sight. Thus, alcohol and weed were laid out in plain view. Gon grabbed them a beer each, which Killua grudgingly accepted. The smell itself was off-putting. Martinis and some cocktails were the only drinks he had ever tried and did not instantly dislike. Although in general he was not that much of a fan of getting wasted, his parents sometimes failed to toe the line when it came to liquor, and the second hand embarrassment was unbearable in those instances.

Gon on the other hand did not have a problem with gulping his beer up like orange juice. 

As soon as people noticed Gon enter, they swarmed around him. He had many fans who wanted to congratulate him. Mainly girls, clearly trying to get his attention. He joked and flirted with everyone. The popular kid, the star. Even though he was practically invisible to the crowd, Killua still felt like the third wheel. 

_ Why did you even bring me here? It’s not like you need my company to avoid looking like a lone loser in the corner.  _

“Killua!” He felt a hand on his arm and almost jumped. He turned around and Retz pulled him to the side. She lead him to a couch where she was sitting with her boyfriend. Killua carefully settled on the coffee table in front of them. 

“You need to wait until it subsides.” Atar said. “The first wave is the worst. It’s better to wait on the sidelines, they lose focus quickly enough.” 

“Good to know.”

“Gon’s our school celebrity.”

“Well, one of them.” Retz corrected. “The basketball team also attracts a large following.” 

“Why are you playing him down like this?” Her boyfriend teased her.

“I’m not. I just don’t get what the big deal is in general, the obsession with athletes. They’re just people.”

“Maybe you’re disillusioned because you dated the Freecss wonderboy and discovered he’s not what you’re looking for. But many people want a piece of that. If only to bask in the glory.”

“Pff.” She snorted. “That’s so tacky.”

They continued their slightly judgemental exchange about starfucking and people getting overexcited about sportsmen, but Killua was not listening. Suddenly he could not concentrate due to overwhelming jealousy. Retz used to date Gon, of course, somehow the name did not connect before. He started to look around and saw Gon dancing with some girls a few feet away. It was frankly depressing how even more jealous it made him. Retz and her boyfriend did not seem to notice that he completely spaced out. They bantered for a while and then it escalated into making out. Killua got up and wandered away, looking for some corner he could hide in. Possibly to order a car. The noise and the heat inside the house were making him feel dizzy.

“There you are.” Gon found him by the wall before Killua managed to get his phone out. “I’m sorry for disappearing.”

He was holding a different coloured cup, so it was his second beer, at least. He was swaying a little and his smile had a different quality to it than usual. Killua left his cup completely full on the coffee table, he did not miss it.

“No problem.” Killua said moving away a little. “So Retz is your almost high school sweetheart.”

“Yeah. But I think we’re both happier now that it’s over.” Gon moved closer again. Maybe he could not hear over the music and conversations. Although they were kind of in the corridor, not exactly in the living room any more–the house had this modern design where rooms were not precisely defined, so it was up for debate. At least on the ground floor. Still, the music was less intense there, a piece of wall was blocking it out a little.

“Well, you def look happy.” Killua moved away again but hit the corner. There were walls on two sides and Gon sort of blocked his escape route. “Do people always accost you like that?”

“Sort of, after a win. My school is very sports-oriented. The headmaster is pushing for results a lot.” Gon was in his personal space. The pretty freckled face hovering next to Killua’s. The warm breath was ghosting Killua’s cheek when Gon spoke.

_ So close. Please move away. _

Killua lowered his head to look at the floor. He buried his hands in his hoodie pockets. 

“I think it’s some rivalry with other schools. In the state ranking.” 

“I see.” 

“Anyway, who cares.”

“Yup.”

_ What can I say to make it less awkward? _

“I saw the latest video with you.” Gon had no problem with keeping the conversation alive. “I thought I was getting better with the climbing. But man, the way you got up there and then under the bridge across the river… That was amazing. When did you film that? I wish I was there to watch it live.”

“We did that late May, but editing it was hard. Ikalgo could not make the music work well with it. He had easier vids to edit so this one sort of always got put off. But finally Palm found it. She is much better than him at, like, matching video and sound. You’ve seen her vids so you know. She helped him put it together finally.”

“God, her vids are so great. The cooking is so impressive in itself, but the quality of filming…”

“Yeah. It’s mean but I’m glad they’re dating because she’s helped him improve his video quality so much. I mean the women in his life are hands down more than fifty percent of his channel’s success.”

“Women?”

“Squid is a girl and the star.” 

“Come on. You’re the worst friend, he’s pretty great himself. God that trick from last month’s vid. I had no idea people can bend like that, and I’m around guys who are quite bendy all the time.”

“Haha, I sometimes think he has no bones. One day they will take an x-ray of him and it’ll turn out it’s all coiled muscle inside.”

Gon laughed and leaned even closer into Killua’s personal space, their heads were almost touching. 

_ If I turn my head now…we will touch…one move and we could kiss…You’re probably drunk enough to just roll with it, aren’t you…And then you’d never speak to me again, once you’ve sobered up. Great thinking Killua, always on the lookout how to exploit your friend. God, I’m the worst. You don’t even suspect what an awful person I am.  _

Killua was nervously kneading the lining of his pockets. 

“I wouldn't be surprised. But I wish you were in more videos.”

“Yeah, I could be, but usually I don’t have the time. There’s coming up with a trick, planning, rehearsing, filming…It’s very time consuming. We needed to stake out the bridge a little to see if there was no security or, like, whether police patrol the area regularly. It was a pain.”

“I could help you staking out and stuff. You look so cute in that cat mask and beanie. It suits you, that look. I’d love to see more of that.”

“Sure.” Killua’s mouth was suddenly dry, he tried to swallow but could not. 

_ Is he flirting with me? _

Killua shot a nervous look around him. They were standing in a pretty exposed place. Some of the girls Gon had danced with earlier were hanging out nearby. Killua hated his stupid brain for memorizing their faces.

“I forgot to tell you earlier, this t-shirt is so great, so you.” Gon traced a whisker with his finger. “It looks like your mask.”  

Electricity shot down Killua’s spine and his brain simply short-circuited. 

_ You’ve got to be kidding me. Why are you so drunk? Or are you for real? Is this a come on? Would it be okay to reciprocate? Somehow? But how? Should I touch you back?  _

He looked around again just not to see Gon’s hand slowly outlining each element of the drawing on his chest. The girls were giggling and clearly looking at them.  

_ Oh, this is not okay…I’ve almost made a complete idiot out of myself. While you’re putting on a show for them, to score with one of them later. I’m such a fool. That’s why you dragged me here. Look, I’m this cool guy who’s got a gay friend and is super casual about it.  _

The worst part was… 

_ Fuck, no! Fuck, why now!?  _

“Sorry, I need to go to the bathroom.” Killua pushed past Gon spilling some of his beer on the wall.  

“Sure, it’s over...”

He did not listen, he did not have the time. Besides, the downstairs bathroom was not ideal. He jumped the glass railing and ran up the stairs. The first floor was clearly off limits for the party but he did not care. He needed privacy, there was bound to be at least one other bathroom up there. He looked around and found it in the master bedroom. He locked himself inside. 

He vomited everything he had eaten that day, which was not that much, only breakfast and some vending machine snacks during Gon’s competitions. 

_ Treacherous fucking thing…  _

He was so angry he was about to cry, but he needed to concentrate. It was not over. 

Ever since he was a child, his digestive system went on strike when he was in a particularly stressful situation. In primary school, it was due to competitions. Spelling bees, contests in maths and other subjects, whatever was organized at school or by the city. His parents wanted him to participate in everything, regardless if he was particularly good at that subject or not. They expected a win or at least a second place, always pointing to Illumi who was this shining example. Even though Illumi had not been forced to take part in everything, or at least his trophies did not suggest that, from Killua they required it. Probably because he had never had any problems with learning. He memorized everything very quickly and was done with homework at lightning speed. Usually finishing parts of it still during class, so when he came home, he just played with Alluka. His parents considered him lazy and an underachiever if the majority of his time was not devoted to school activities. They even found him a sport to compete in, running, and pushed that on him on top of all that other stuff. 

Eventually, his body refused to take it. Right before a competition or just after, his guts went: well now we want to be completely empty, whatever it takes. Keeping him in the bathroom for half an hour or more each time. It was disgusting and humiliating. He began to stop eating for at least two days before he was meant to compete. That was hard because his mother was very much involved in the diet of her perfect children, so he ended up forcing himself to puke out everything right after eating. Just to have an empty stomach. For a short while it helped, but then his body resorted to simply fainting. The competitions were too frequent. 

That lead to doctor’s examination, and eventually a therapist. The psychologist was stern and not easily intimidated. She told his parents that either they lay off the competitions or she would report them to child protective services. That was a scandal they were not ready for. The public image of the family was paramount. Thus, Killua became this sub par child, they had had such huge hopes for him, but he proved to be nothing but a total disappointment. They concentrated their efforts on the more reliable children, namely Illumi, Milluki, and Kalluto. 

_ Why this fucking thing again?  _

He was tearing up. Why was his body betraying him like this? Nothing out of the ordinary was going on.

Killua was soaked in cold sweat, shivering and exhausted. He needed to clean the place up to erase what had just happened. He felt the phone buzzing in his jeans, but he had no time for it. Thankfully it stopped. After he finished washing the toilet, he carefully inspected his clothing to check that he had not accidentally puked on himself. Happily it was not the case, but his make-up was a mess, he looked like a goddamn panda. For a moment he thought about raiding the cupboards in search of some lotion to remove it so he could reapply the eyeliner, but he was too tired for that. He just wanted to leave. The bathroom reeked of air freshener mixed with other odours, and he was feeling the onset of a migraine from it. He cracked a window open and hoped the air would be normal once the host’s parents came back. 

Going back downstairs he ordered a car, he just hoped he would not run into Gon on the way out. Luckily, he only noticed Gon’s unmistakeable frame on the terrace outside. He was standing there with one of the girls from before.

_ Well at least you got what you wanted. So a double win for you today. _

Killua thought bitterly. 

_ Why did my stomach react like this? It’s not like I’m even a contender in this race. _

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who reads, leaves kudos or comments. :D 
> 
> I hope you're still enjoying this :D
> 
> This chapter is a little personal to me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit hits the fan, as they say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:   
> \- Hisoka happens here  
> \- minor violence

* * *

 

The house manager, the cook, and the main maid were all in the kitchen when Killua came down for breakfast on Tuesday. They saw him and immediately turned off the TV. He found that odd. Tsubone liked to watch her soaps or those idiotic breakfast shows while she cooked. Although Killua’s mother frowned upon that, finding these too low brow for her children to witness, he almost never watched any television, so he actually considered it interesting, in an anthropological sort of way. 

“It’s fine. Don’t mind me. I’m not Kalluto, I won’t run to mum,” he said picking up his oatmeal and sprinkling some more chocolate flakes into it.

“It was nothing interesting, sir. Just the news,” Amane said quickly, something was off about her smile.

“It wasn’t even the news, just the weather channel.” Gotoh corrected her.

“Sure...” Killua said going to the dining room. 

They had always been kind to him, the whole staff. They probably felt sorry for him when he was small with how mama and papa were overburdening him with competitions. That attitude of theirs somehow stuck, even though his parents had long written him off and mostly left him alone. Thus, their blatant lies were so puzzling. He could feel the onset of anxiety. He passed through the dining room and went towards the office where another TV stood. His mother hated it when they ate outside the proper dining areas, but she had already gone to her office, so unless Kalluto took his picture and sent it to her, he was safe from her nagging. 

The remote was a little confusing, but he finally turned the thing on and switched to a news channel. There was Gon’s house… on the news. A mob of reporters and onlookers was crawling around his front yard and on the street. 

“So far senator’s Freecss’ office has not issued an official statement. We have also not managed to contact the mother. This is the footage from ten minutes ago, as senator Ging Freecss’ illegitimate son came out of the house.” The caster lady was saying in a very serious tone.

There was shaky cam footage of Gon calmly yet decisively moving through the crowd.  

“How’s it been living with such a secret, Gon?!”

“What’s your relationship with your father?”

“Would you vote for Ging Freecss and his party?”

“Are you a Paradinight voter?”

“There’s speculation about other illegitimate children. Do you know them? How many of you are there?”

“You’re friends with Killua and Alluka Zoldyck on social media. As well as Hisoka Morow. Are you helping the Zoldycks sabotage the opposing candidate?”

“Is it payback for what your father did?”

The reporters were shouting their questions at him. 

Gon had this unreadable expression on him, although there was mild annoyance shining through. 

“Don’t touch me.” He just said opening the car door.

They kept pushing him.

“Any comment?”

“Listen, I have to go to school. Also my great grandma is in the house. She’s ninety and you’re stressing her out. Just so you know what kind of people you are. Oh, and get out of the way of the car, please.” Gon’s voice and face were calm. Too calm, Killua noticed people move away a little. They were not expecting this much cold composure from a teenage boy. Gon got in and the reporters cleared the way for the car. 

“This morning the Post published the results of an investigation which revealed that senator Ging Freecss had a son with the campaign spokeswoman from his first senate run…”

Killua turned off the television and found the article on his phone. He scanned through it. The affair started during the campaign and continued while Ging was in office. He was already married then and had a child with his wife. The spokeswoman resigned when she started showing and, according to an unnamed friend, was apparently under the impression the senator was going to leave his wife for her. That did not happen, however. The affair ended. Soon after giving birth, she met another man and she wanted to marry him. Therefore, she decided to send the infant to Ging and cede the problem to him. Since the senator wanted to keep it all under wraps, Gon was meant to be given up for adoption anonymously. Somehow, in all of that, Mito appeared and intervened. She managed to become Gon’s legal guardian, and since it was miraculously done in secret, the press at the time remained none the wiser. 

Killua tried to call Gon with no luck. His phone was disconnected. He scrolled through his friend’s social media. The reactions there were mixed. Some were supportive and aggressively protective. Others saw this as an opening to knock Gon down a few pegs. There was a little war going on on his wall and his tag was trending on Twitter. There were also new people who had just discovered him and wanted to somehow get in on the hype. 

Gon had not commented once. No statement. Nothing. 

_ Fuck. _

“Killua, there you are. You haven’t even touched your food.” Alluka said a little annoyed. “We need to go, we’ll be late for school. Kalluto’s already in the car.” 

“I’m not coming with you. I’ll call for a Lyft.” 

“What? Why?”

“I need to go see Gon.”

“Now? Weren’t you avoiding him?” 

She was right, after the party Killua tried not to spend time alone with Gon, so he pretended to be  busier than he actually was. He also cut back on their social media interactions a little. He did not want to be angry at Gon for using him as a prop to get girls. All was fair in love and war…or something. Rationally speaking, there was actually very little to suggest that Gon did that on purpose, even if that was Killua’s first accusation when he was bitter in the moment. Gon was just the thinking on his feet sort of guy, he saw an opportunity and took it. It did hurt, nevertheless. However ridiculous it was since Gon was completely oblivious to Killua’s interest in him. Killua just needed a little time to cool off and think of better ways to handle himself around his walking temptation of a friend. Not that any of that petty stuff mattered any more. 

“How did you notice?”

“Oh, god. You’re so hopeless. You think people don’t see your sulks. But, that’s a whole different conversation. What’s going on?”

“Listen, I can’t talk now, need to go. So do you, actually. I hope I’ll only miss one period and lie myself out with a doctor’s appointment. That’s our cover story. Anyway, I’ll send you a link to an article. Avoid Gon’s social media for now. I mean, don’t engage anyone there, please. And if any of that seeps into yours, also ignore that.”

“Oh...” Alluka’s face was suddenly marked with a deep frown as she started to look through her phone. 

“Go. I’ll be in touch.” 

 

*

 

“This is a new look for you.” Ikalgo startled Killua as he was walking out of a changing room. 

“These are the first clothes in my size I found here. I don’t have time for a thrift store treasure hunt. Also, if I went on one without Palm she would probably slice me up for her next video on cured meats.” He tried to justify the baggy tracksuit trousers and a neon yellow tee with some poorly rendered anime character Killua had never seen before.

Ikalgo giggled. Killua handed him his school uniform. He was in such a hurry to get to Gon that he did not think to bring any normal clothes from home. Without them he could not infiltrate the school unnoticed, so he had to ask Ikalgo to help him out.  

“Please don’t crumple it. Lay it out neatly on the back seat.”

“Will do. Here’s the sim card.”

“Thanks. Where are you parked?”

“On the street near here.”

“Okay, I should be back in an hour tops. Sorry for dragging you away from work.”

“I’ve already sorted it out with my uncle, no biggy. I’ll just stay longer today. I’ve seen Gon’s Facebook and Twitter. It’s a shitstorm. I couldn't leave you alone with it.” 

“Yeah, you’re the best. And people are fucked up.”

Killua waved at Ikalgo and ran to Gon’s high school, it was a few blocks away from the thrift store. There were TV crews by the front gate but also police and school security. The media was not let in onto the campus. Killua slipped in with the other students. He had less than twenty minutes before first period. The fucking school was huge and completely unlike his own. He was there exactly once before and he went around the other buildings directly to the gymnasium then. Not through the main entrance.

_ Where am I supposed to even look for him? If I were Gon, where would I go? _

From every direction he heard Gon’s name thrown around. All students were already up to date with the scandal and pumped by the media presence just outside the fence. 

_ Away from all those fuckers, that’s for sure.  _

Luckily, Retz came through. She texted Killua to say Gon was in the gym and then followed up with directions on how to navigate the corridors. He met her there. 

“He’s not talking to me. Or anyone. Maybe you’ll have better luck.” She said. Killua briefly noted her rather butch style for the day, he almost mistook her for some boy. That was a sharp change from the goth girly attire she wore at the party. He filed it under ‘people are weird’ and decided to ask later if there was time for that. 

“Okay, thanks.”

“I’ll wait here.”

He went in. Gon was doing chin-ups. His backpack, jacket and tee were tossed in the corner. His olive skin was glistening from sweat, suggesting he must have been at it for a while. He did not even look in the direction of the door when it opened.

“I bought you a new sim card.” Killua took it out and placed it on Gon’s clothes. “Please text me when you put it in.”

“Killua.” Gon whispered and actually lowered himself to the floor. He was looking at Killua with a surprised expression. 

_ So you’ll talk. Thank goodness.  _

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Gon squatted and picked up the card. “You actually bought me a new card…” He went up to Killua and locked him in a crushing hug. “How are you so thoughtful? So good?” He whispered into Killua’s ear.

Killua felt his face overheat. Luckily the room only had a few small windows by the ceiling and Gon did not bother with turning on the lights. 

“You’re babbling, idiot.” He tried to get out of the embrace but that actually lead to getting squeezed more tightly, so he just rolled with it and waited until Gon let go. That happened after a few hours, or so Killua felt. In reality it probably lasted less than a minute. 

“I have no idea how these people got my number, but they’ve been calling all morning. It’s so infuriating.” Gon changed the card in his phone and texted Killua from the new number. 

“Those hyenas have their ways.” Killua said. “I’m sorry, Gon.”

“It’s okay, I mean…I talked to my m…Mito…my aunt Mito…” He spoke as if he was tasting something unfamiliar on his tongue and it was not a pleasant flavour. “Anyway, we talked. She told me it’s all true. And well, that’s fine. I get why she lied. But the … the fucking media.”

Killua had never heard Gon swear. 

“What’s up with that? Why are they attacking me? At my home? Shouldn’t they be concentrating on Ging?”

“Technically yes, but you’re an easier target.”

“Yeah, target. That’s what I am in this.” He was back to calm…on the surface. Killua could still see tension in his features, although he doubted a person unfamiliar with Gon would notice. “I need to go to class…you too, probably, shit, you’re ditching school because of me. Again.” 

“Don’t worry about that. I’m here for you.”

“Thank you, you don’t know how much this means to me.” 

“No problem, I’ll always be there if you need me.”

Gon smiled in response to that. A sincere, radiant smile. It made Killua blush again.

“See you after school, Killua.” He headed towards the showers.

“Are you sure you want to come study with us?”

“I’m very sure I don’t want to go back home straight after school.”

“Okay, see you then.”

 

*

 

They were sitting on the floor in Killua’s room with books and homework between them. Gon was actually flanked by Alluka and Canary, who were leaning on him and giving him occasional hugs to cheer him up. That had a pretty good effect on him, he seemed more relaxed and actually present. For the first hour or so, his mind was definitely drifting. However, at no point did Gon pick up the subject of what was going on, and that actually worried Killua a little. 

There was a knock on the door and Silva Zoldyck entered.

“Good evening, kids.” He said. 

_ What do you want?  _

Killua could not remember the last time his father was in his room. It felt so odd to see him in this setting, unnerving.

“Good evening, Mr. Zoldyck.” Canary said and moved away from Gon a little. 

“Good evening.” Gon was clearly off his game since he did not exchange the pleasantries first. 

Alluka also acknowledged their father and Killua decided that was enough, he did not need to.

“I heard what happened. I’m very sorry, champ.” Silva looked at Gon. “But none of this is your fault and I think it’s important you know that.” 

Killua pinched himself. He had never heard anything like that from his father before.   

“You’re a great boy, truly impressive, and your father is a fool for not acknowledging you.”

“I’ve never met him,” Gon said suddenly. “I don’t think he’s important in my life.”

“That’s the right attitude.” Silva lit up. “You should care only about your life and future. You showed great character this morning. I really liked how you handled the press. You’re very strong. Very impressive.” 

_ Why are you here? Why are you telling him all this? _

“Thank you, sir.”

“They will lose interest soon enough, the news cycle doesn’t dwell on things these days.” 

Then it hit Killua. He was performing a reassuring, benevolent father figure.

_ Do you want to distinguish yourself from Ging in Gon’s eyes? But why? What’s the point? Gon already seems to like you. You have no obligation towards him… Are you gloating? Showing off what a good dad you are?  _

“But unfortunately today they are still on your track. If you’d like to stay overnight here, please don’t hesitate. I’ll have the guest house prepared for you.”

_ No… you’re doing damage control and assessing the scope of the devastation. I’m such an idiot…It came out now, because the election is next week. Senator Freecss is here to campaign with Paradinight. To lend him some of his popularity and seal the victory. The good doctor is leading in the polls, it’s still within the margin of error most of the time, but the trend has been consistent throughout the last month… Oh fuck, you did this, you and that slimy fuck Hisoka. You dragged out this filth on Ging Freecss because you couldn’t find anything large and sensationalistic enough on the doctor. And you have no counters policy-wise. You had to create moral outrage. Drown the media in this nonsense…Oh fuck…I’m so sorry Gon…this is all my fault…  _

“Thank you, sir, but I think I must go home. Even if the media is still there. I’ve been hiding for too long.”

“That’s commendable,” Silva said with pride in his voice. 

_ Oh, that’s disgusting. _

“You’re always welcome here, champ.” He declared before saying goodbye and leaving. 

Killua felt like he had just bathed in shit. He had no idea how he was going to explain to Gon what had happened, or apologize after that…or ever look him in the face again. 

 

*

 

Predictably, though, Killua did not have the guts to confess to Gon what he had figured out. He let his friend go home clueless. At least Gon seemed to be in a slightly better place overall than he had been that morning. Killua figured that maybe the information could be delivered in a few days. Once Gon was not going to be in a desperate need of a friend, so he could easily do without an untrustworthy one.  

Unfortunately, the next day brought about more bad news. 

“He suspended you from the team?” Killua was in an empty classroom during the lunch break. Canary was sitting in Alluka’s lap next to him, they were listening in on the conversation. He was almost sure they were a couple, although they had not said anything about it yet. They were holding hands almost constantly now and hugging while sitting was also the norm.  

Gon had blown up their group chat half an hour before, so they were calling him concerned.

“Yes, well, no.” He was on speaker. “He gave me an ultimatum.”

“What ultimatum?” Alluka asked.

“I’m to sit out the next competition or two. He says I need to calm down, I’m, believe it or not, not in the right state of mind for a contact sport.”

“Maybe you could use a little rest.” Killua suggested. He hated to admit it, but he was siding with the coach on this one.

“Rest is rest, banning me from competing is a different thing. It has her written all over it. The way he phrased it…he did not come up with that on his own, that’s for sure. I was trying to be very understanding about all this. About what she did, why she kept it secret…and she…fucking back-stabs me.”

“But if he hasn’t suspended you, you can just go and take part.” Canary was keeping her eye on the ball.

“See that’s the ultimatum. If I try to do that, he will formally suspend me, and it’ll go into my file. He probably thinks he’s getting laid for this, jerk. If he takes her side, this will be his final audition to her bed and our family.” Gon said very bitterly.

“His ulterior motive is pretty clear.” Canary agreed with him before Killua could say anything to defuse the situation. Not that he disagreed with Gon’s assessment…but dragging that out just added another layer of hurt to the whole situation.

“But won’t the school take issue with this? You’re not formally suspended, right?” Alluka asked, and Killua could see what she was getting at. “So wouldn’t they expect you to represent them?”

“I asked the same thing, Wing said he’ll get me a doctor’s notice. For a pulled muscle or some shit.” 

“He has it all planned.” There was slight despair in Alluka’s voice.  

“Yup, they have me cornered, alright. But I told him, fuck it. He wants to get me some fake paper from the doctor, he can have at it. I’m going out of town today. Till Sunday.”

“What? Where to?” Killua asked, concerned. 

“Just away, to the forest or the steppe. I’m not sure yet. I’m home, and I’m packing my hiking gear. I’ll just buy some cans, catch a train, and walk around a bit.”

“Five days is more than a little walking.”

“It’s actually not that much. It always helps me. Being away from the city, alone.”

“You’ve done this before?’ Alluka asked curiously.

“A couple of times, when I had some stuff to think over. Well, not in the middle of a school week, but at this point I don’t care.” 

“It sounds like a good idea. Getting away from this all.” Alluka said, and Killua thought he could sense a hint of envy in her voice. “Will you be taking your phone?”

“Yeah, but it’ll be off most of the time. I have one portable charger only, and there are problems with reception out there, anyway.”

“Oh. Okay.” Killua said, although he just wanted to scream how stupid of an idea that was, and how he was not okay with it in the slightest.

“So you’ll text us right? Twice a day.” Canary was practical as ever. “When you make camp, and when you’ll be moving out in the morning?”

“Sure, I can do that.” 

“That’d be great.” Killua said with relief.  _ Thank goodness for Canary and her cool. _

 

*

 

Wednesday proceeded to be an utter annoyance. Killua was hungry. It was his second day of surviving on fluids exclusively. The debate tournament was the next day, he needed his stomach under control. The team was leaving in the late afternoon to get to the hotel in the evening and catch some sleep before the competition started. Killua was in his father’s office scavenging for pens and fresh notepads to look professional. He was the team president, so he was expected to lead by example. He also needed spares to make sure people had stationery because there was always one person who forgot something. 

Someone came inside. Killua looked up.

_ Oh, fuck no. _

“Oh, hello, Killua.” The man’s smile sickeningly sweet. “Your father’s not here? Hmm.”

“No, he was in the dining room last I saw him. Now if you could be so kind and piss off.”

“Thank you for the information. And good luck tomorrow!”

“Yeah, yeah. Fuck off.” Killua opened the top desk drawer.

“Why so hostile? Is this about your not boyfriend?” 

Killua froze and looked threateningly at Hisoka.  _ Don’t go there, scumbag. _

“Leave.”

“It was nothing personal. You know I like him... a lot.” He finished lewdly.

“That’s why you decided to ruin his life?”

“It will blow over.”

“It’s not about the media. His college applications could be rejected! His sports career! Everything is on the line, and you come here and fucking boast in front of me! You’re not looking for my father. You know exactly where he is! You just want to rub it in my face how you fucked Gon over!”

“Gon this, Gon that, you’re so obsessed, it’s cute in a creepy way. I can totally sympathize.”

“Don’t compare yourself to me!”

“Why did you block me on Tumblr, Killua? Was it the tags? Were you too ashamed to embrace your truth?”

“It’s not about me!”

“Hmm.” Hisoka’s lips formed an unnervingly knowing smile. “Neither it is about Gon, not really. But you’re too obsessed to remember.”

“Oh please. You knew Gon was going to get hit with the ricochet when you took a shot at Ging. You all knew! My fucking father knew! And well, collateral damage. The end justifies the means.”

“Indeed. Your father will win an important election. You should be proud.”

Killua’s hands were shaking. He was hungry, he needed to finish packing and get to school.

_ School. No. _ Killua suddenly remembered. The bottom drawer of the desk. He quickly pulled out a pistol and put in the magazine. He aimed at Hisoka.

“Are you serious? I can’t look Gon in the face any more! Do you get that? I can’t be his friend after what you did! I’ll have to tell him the truth and it’ll be over!”  _ I don’t have many friends and you ruined the first one I made in a long time. He was so trusting of me yesterday… he still thinks I’m his friend, but I’m a traitor. _ Killua felt tears flowing down his cheeks, his mind was spinning.

“Well, that’s sad. Heart break. It’s of no consequence, though. Greater things are at stake.”

“Are you seriously pushing my buttons now?”  _ Why is he not scared? What is wrong with him? He must know dad taught me how to shoot. At this distance, it’d be hard to miss even if I was badly out of practice. Fucking creep. Maybe everyone points a gun at him at some point so he’s used to it. _ “I don’t care about the election. I don’t care about our so-called legacy or the Zoldyck name since it’s all built on shit. I hate this family because they have no inhibitions and they tolerate…no laud, filth like you.”

“You’re being dramatic. But the vernacular is on point.” He twisted his lips in a patronizing smile. “Put the gun down.”

“Why? The world is going to be better without you.”

“Maybe, but your life won’t be. You said I ruined Gon’s life. Would you like me to ruin yours as well?”

More tears. Powerlessness.  _ It’s pointless, I’m pointless. _

“As to Gon’s life. We’ll see if it’s ruined or not. It’ll be hard for you to keep tabs on that from jail, though.”

_ The fucking creep is right _ . Killua put the gun back in the drawer. He picked up the stationery he came for and headed towards the door. 

“I’ll just give you a friendly piece of advice because I like you.” Hisoka was leaning on the door frame. 

“Spare me. And fuck off.” Killua clenched his teeth and tried to walk by. 

“At your age they all will seem like the true love. Trust me, every single piece of cute ass will. I’ve been there. I know.”

“Leave me alone.” Killua was beginning to lose it again.

“You’re in a bad place now, I can see it. And I’m trying to fix it. I’ll take you clubbing, introduce you to some boys. One of them will surely become the true love for the coming months. Trust me, I kn…”

Killua punched him in the face before the creep finished his sentence. 

Then, once more, as the man was falling to his knees, and the third time when he was on the ground.

“Nice. Is that how you win all your debates?” Hisoka was smiling and licking his lips, spreading the blood on them like lipstick. 

“Stop talking, for once fucking stop.” 

“Yes, I like this angry face. I will recall this, many many times.”

“You’re disgusting.” 

“And you need to change your shirt and probably hurry up.” 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where both plot lines converge. I hope it makes sense. 
> 
> I'd like to thank everyone who continues to read this! I hope you're having fun.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More parties are in store for poor Killua, as the aftermath of the media shitstorm continues.

* * *

 

The ride home was supposed to take four hours. A decent time to nap. Killua was beat. The situation with Gon was gnawing at him all throughout the tournament. It was a miracle that he managed to tune it out enough to actually win the damn thing. Since Tuesday, the first thing he had eaten was some soup. That was less than an hour before they got onto the minibus. He was still hungry, just not starving, but he knew he could not stuff himself, he needed to ease himself back into normal meals. His teammates were chattering, pumped after the victory. He felt he had indulged them enough during lunch, though. He had the right to put on his noise cancelling headphones and doze off. He did not even care to turn his phone on. It was Friday. Alluka and Canary were at school and the supervising teacher had already blasted the win on the school’s Twitter. Gon, on the other hand, had reported in in the morning. The next text from him would not come before nine. Killua was not exactly okay with him traversing the wilderness on his own. There was nothing he could have done to prevent it, though. He toyed with the idea of trying to join Gon, then again his friend did go away seeking solitude. Killua also had no idea where he was, exactly. 

Killua woke up when they were entering the city. It was a little past six. He turned on his phone. It instantly started to vibrate like crazy. Chat loading with multiple messages from Gon.

_ What the fuck, why is his phone on? Is he in danger? Did he get lost? _

Killua panicked and started reading.

The first messages were from around eleven.

 

bug boy:

Going home. My backpack strap snapped when i was crossing a river. My sleeping bag and mat fell in. 

Tried to look for them

No luck, bye bye birthday present

Also is it really my birthday?

Forgot to ask mito

My forest ranger friend almost died laughing. #dumb city boy

That's me. And here i thought i’m a nature boy.

Anyway she’s driving me back to the city, so I’m almost home.

 

Then they continued from around two in the afternoon.

 

bug boy:

Had a nap when i came home.

And my dad came to visit. 

Woke me up.

They’re having a shouting match downstairs.

He’s blaming mito for everything

And me

We’re in it for the money. Apparently

Asshole

Oh, my biological mum’s super dumb, u see

He did not champion pro choice rights for her to keep useless babies

that’s me

I think mito slapped him

Now he’s telling her how she could have had a good degree and a job in his office or some lobbying firm

But no

She had to keep me

For the alimony money

Oh, she’s not denying, she just said he hasn't paid any.

I can't with this conversation

and with them

I’m bailing.

 

That was the end. 

Killua called him. Gon did not pick up. Any of the five times.

_ Fuck. _

Gotoh was in the school parking lot waiting to take Killua home. 

He could not go home. He had to find Gon. Somehow. He had no idea where Gon could have gone. He tried calling Retz, but she said she had not seen Gon since Wednesday morning. That was the only person from Gon’s life, barring Mito, whose number Killua had. 

“Could you take me to the storage, please.” 

“Not home? Wouldn’t you like to rest, sir?” Gotoh knew about the locker and that it meant Killua would be away for hours. 

“I have plans with my friends. We’re celebrating the win.” Killua lied casually.

“I see.” The man did not question him.

Killua kept texting and calling Gon. With no success. 

At the storage facility he called Ikalgo instead.

“Listen, I know you’re spending time with Palm today, are you coupli…”

Ikalgo snorted. “And here I felt sorry for you, yet somehow you’re not too upset for your trash humour.”

“Okay, sorry. Are you doing coupley stuff or filming today?”

“We’re still filming for a few hours. Wanna come?”

“Sounds good.” 

“Sure. There will be food.”

“Haven't I just acknowledged that yes, I’m grateful for you knowing what a needy pathetic idiot I am and accepting me anyway?

“You have, I’m just rubbing it in. That's what friends are for.” Ikalgo teased him. 

“I’ll be there in a half hour.”

He looked at the clothes he had in his storage locker. He needed a serious pick-me-up, because he was this close from losing it. He chose black shiny skinny jeans and a top with lightning bolts. The evening was getting cool, so he took a rainbow faux fur coat, which Alluka dubbed quite appropriately the “dead Muppets jacket” when they found it with Palm in a thrift store. That paired with heavy leather boots and makeup gave him the boost of confidence he was expecting.

Killua ordered a car to Palm’s house. The ride cooled him down a little, although Gon was still incommunicado. 

Getting a good dinner from Palm also helped a lot. 

“Maybe he went back to the woods.” Palm suggested. 

“If he did, it’d be really bad. I don't think he has another sleeping bag.”

“Maybe you should call his mum.” Ikalgo was scrolling through Gon’s social media, but it was clear he had not posted there in days.

“To worry her? She probably thinks he’s still hiking. She might call the police or something.”

“Shit, that wouldn’t be good.” Ikalgo had experience with the police and did not recall it fondly.

“Or safe.” Palm added. “Especially since he’s on edge…” she trailed off.

There was a loaded silence between them. 

“I need to find him before he gets in trouble, but I have no idea where to look. I called his ex, she said he did not come to school. I don’t think he’s home. He would have picked up. Right? At this point I’ve half a mind to call Milluki and ask him to trace Gon’s phone.”

“Could he even do it?” Ikalgo asked sceptically.

“I don’t know for sure, but he might. He almost got suspended in high school for doxxing people.”

“That’s a huge intrusion of privacy,” Palm said seriously.

“I know, that’s why I’m here with you. Because if I was alone, I would have already done that. I’m so worried…”

She put a hand on his shoulder. “I hope Gon cares as much about you as you care about him.” There was a strange flavour to her voice, pity probably. 

“It’s not about caring. My family literally ruined his life…his family is a mess, his future may be jeopardized. If there are any consequences I can spare him, I must do it.”

“It’s irrational, you know that, right?” Palm challenged him. 

“How?” He got instantly defensive.

“You have no power over your parents. There’s no way you could’ve predicted their plan.”

“But I know what kind of people they are! I should’ve never let Gon come to that house.”  

Palm just sighed and shook her head.

Killua helped them with filming and tried not to think too much about his calls being ignored. 

_ Maybe Gon figured out it was me… maybe he wants nothing to do with me…that’s fair, though. He has every right.  _

At around nine, he took Palm’s husky, Siren, for a walk. It was a good excuse not to go home and not to go wandering the streets aimlessly in hope of running into Gon. In a city of nearly four million inhabitants, it was highly unlikely that he would. This also allowed him not to third-wheel with Ikalgo and Palm, as they clearly wanted to spend time together instead of catering to his emotional meltdown. 

He was monitoring Siren playing with other dogs in the dog park when Retz called.

“Come and pick your boyfriend up.” She shouted at him when he answered.

“He’s not my boyfriend.” He mumbled, shocked.

“Sure, whatever.” She was very agitated. “You seemed concerned about his whereabouts earlier. So I found him. He’s at a party, getting himself shitfaced in a brooding angry fashion. He won’t listen. You talked him down on Tuesday, so come and bring your pigheaded moron whispering skills.” 

“Text me the address.”

 

*

 

The party was at a different house this time, a smaller one, with a more traditional layout. Retz and two other guys had Gon locked in a tiny laundry room. Gon was sitting in the corner holding a bottle of some hard liquor. Killua did not know much about brands, so he had no idea what it was. 

Retz introduced him to the other teens as he came in. Zushi and Meleoron from the wrestling team. They shook hands and explained what had happened thus far. Apparently, Gon appeared around ten already tipsy and grabbed a bottle of vodka that was meant for spiking the punch. Meleoron noticed this, and with Zushi’s help, ushered him into that room and called Retz for help. They pleaded with Gon to let go of the bottle, but neither of them had any luck getting through to him. He remained silent and they were a little afraid of escalating the situation by trying to overpower him.

“He can’t be here because someone will film him,” Retz said, distraught.

“Yeah, someone already tried to barge in.” Zushi confirmed. Killua just then realized the guy was constantly leaning on the door, clearly making sure it remained closed. 

“And take photos through the window, I had to pull down the blinds.” Meleoron added. “If he gets filmed drunk he’s not only off the team permanently. He’ll get suspended. From school.”

“Yup, our headmaster is nuts about the school’s image, and especially about the image of our athletes. He introduced all these stupid zero tolerance rules. Gon may have won the school a few dozen medals, but it won’t matter.”

_ Fuck. There is no use for a slow approach, for levelling with him. I need to be quick.   _

“I will get him out. Give me a few minutes. I think the way to the side gate is more or less empty, it was when I came in anyway.” Killua went to Gon and just grabbed the bottle and pulled it out of his hands. Gon tried to hold on to it, but his coordination and reflexes were not up to their typical standards. The bottle was only one fourth empty, it was still a lot, but not completely tragic. Killua handed it to Zushi. 

“Gon, hi. I came to take you home.” He said squatting in front of his friend. The bundle unravelled a little. 

_Art byJoolita, my dear super talented friend and enabler._

“I don’t want to go home, Killua.” His eyes were failing to focus. “I want to party.” Gon reached out and put his hands on Killua’s knees. 

“Oh, fuck, you were right, he is actually talking to him.” Meleoron said impressed. 

“Yup, told ya, he’s a proper idiot whisperer.” Retz confirmed. 

“I think you’ve had enough partying for today.” Killua tried to reason.

“Nope.” Gon said petulantly. “I haven’t danced yet. I want to have some fun.”

“Gon, this is not fun. No one’s having fun. Your friends are stuck here and can’t actually enjoy the party. And you ruined Ikalgo and Palm’s date night.” 

“Ikalgo and Palm!” He said excited. “How are they?”

“You can ask them yourself, if you go with me.” Killua seized the opportunity and grabbed Gon’s wrists, then stood up pulling his friend up in the process. 

Gon was swaying a little and pouting, but all in all he seemed capable of walking.  

“Let’s go, Gon.” Killua made the mistake of actually turning his back to Gon.

“No, let’s dance.” Gon wrapped his arms around Killua’s waist, and started to rock the both of them gently, as if they were slow dancing.

Killua was mortified. “What the hell, idiot?!” 

“I’m so glad we finally get to dance.” He was rubbing himself against Killua’s back and his hands were kneading the front of Killua’s t-shirt. 

Zushi was positively scandalised by this, his eyes wide open and his bushy brows almost reaching his hairline. The other two were trying not to stare, unsuccessfully hiding awkward, sympathetic smiles. Killua felt thoroughly embarrassed, the feeling being infinitely multiplied by the fact that he was blushing all over. 

“Gon, let go!” He found some composure, and started to free himself from the bear hug.

“Ah, so we’re wrestling.” Gon rasped in a bizarrely suggestive way, clearly encouraged. “I’ve wanted to wrestle with you for a while.” The second sentence sounded plain lewd. That, together with Retz grinning knowingly, completely threw Killua off. He doubled his efforts to peel Gon’s hands away. With some success this time, the blood alcohol level of his opponent was working in Killua’s favour.

Then Gon attempted to change his grip and throw Killua to the ground. That was it. Killua elbowed him in the jaw with some force. Gon stumbled back awkwardly, and held onto the dryer for balance.

“Not fair, Killua! Illegal move.” He whined and pouted. “You always cheat!” 

“I’m not wrestling with you now, or dancing.” 

The sulk only grew more petulant. 

“Gon, if I have to carry you out of here I will. But you’ll be unconscious for that because I prefer dead weight to a squirming moron.”

“I don’t like that. Think of something else.” 

“Come with me peacefully, then.” Killua extended his hand invitingly.

“Where are we going?”

“To an after party. With better booze and better music.” He lied without batting an eye.

“Smooth.” Meleoron whispered behind him.

“Will we dance there?” Gon was suddenly interested, and reached for Killua’s hand.

“Sure, I’ll dance with you all night.”

The amber eyes lit up. Suddenly Gon was cooperative. Killua did not waste the opportunity, his attitude could change at any minute. He grabbed his friend’s hand, and led him out as quickly and quietly as possible. 

 

* 

 

Ikalgo had a one bedroom flat on the first floor of a small apartment complex. There was little furniture in it, the living room was actually a computer room, mixed with a gym and a designated cat jungle Ikalgo built himself for Squid. She ruled there unopposed. Killua pushed Gon inside, and sat him up at the large table which served both for eating – the half closer to the window – and for film editing - the half drowning in equipment and cables. 

Killua went with Ikalgo to the bedroom while Palm was chatting up Gon. She took out an ice pack for his jaw, then made him tea.

“You can use these sheets, I’d ask you to wash the old ones, but I doubt you know how.” Ikalgo pulled out a fresh set from a chest under the bed. 

“I don’t.” Killua admitted a little ashamed. Every so often he was reminded how many basic skills he lacked. He was actually a little worried how changing the bedsheets was going to go. He had never done that before, but he hoped it would turn out obvious enough. 

“Well, he might. Ask him in the morning once you sort him out.” He pulled out two towels, one large and a literal washcloth. “I don’t have two big ones spare so you’ll have to figure this out.” Then he opened the closet. “Let me see…Okay…These shorts are very loose and can be regulated… He might fit into them…maybe. I have another pair for you, since you two are about the same size.”

Killua assessed the pieces of clothing, they looked baggy enough. He hoped. Ikalgo was rather tiny. He had this wiry built of a guy who could never put on weight, even if he tried hard. He was also half a head shorter than Palm, they looked extra cute together. Gon was not much taller than her, but definitely bulkier. 

“Anyway.” Ikalgo was walking back to the door. 

Palm was hovering there, watching Gon play with the cat while sort of holding the ice to his face. 

“Feed Squid a packet...”

“Now, then a packet in the morning, and I should leave her some dry food before we leave, I remember.” Killua said.

“Smartass, anyway, restock everything you eat.”

“Okay. I’m not sure we’ll…”

“Put some food in him, he told me he doesn’t remember eating anything since breakfast in the forest. Food should help with his state now, and with the hangover later.” Palm said.

“Fine, thanks mum.”

Palm rolled her eyes. “Why do I even bother with you?”

“Ungrateful brat, don’t burn the place down.” Ikalgo gave Killua a quick hug. 

“Hmm. And you two remember I’m too young to be an uncle.”

“I’m going to kill him one day.” Palm muttered as they left. Killua locked the door. 

_ Food, sheets and a shower. It should be doable.  _

Gon was on the floor making Squid run after a feather on a string. The ice pack lay forgotten nearby. He was completely oblivious to the fact that they were alone now. Not that he seemed to be aware where he was, in the first place. 

Killua went to the kitchen and looked through the fridge. Technically Palm taught him the basics of cooking. The task seemed too overwhelming, at this point. He was too tired to analyse the available ingredients. He ordered some noodles and dumplings from a leaflet on the fridge door, instead.

Then he put some wet food in the cat bowl, and Squid abandoned Gon, who began to pout again. He became restless, and failed to stand up. 

“It’s time to sort you out.”

“Weren’t we supposed to dance all night?” Gon got up on his second try.

“Yeah… I’m glad you remember.”  _ Why do you even remember that?! _ “But you see, you reek, no offence. I don’t know what you’ve been up to all day. Or whether you have even washed since Wednesday.”

“Boring.”

“Come on.” Killua lead Gon to the tiny bathroom. He turned on the shower, and looked at Gon expectantly. Gon just smiled, and outstretched his arms above his head.

_ You gotta be kidding me. I walked straight into this. You’re being… What are you even trying here? For fuck’s sake.  _

Killua sighed and pulled the grubby t-shirt off his friend. 

“Not boring after all.”

“Shut up, idiot.” 

“Hmm.”

“Take off your pants. And get into the shower.”

“You do it.”

“Get into the shower?” Killua asked annoyed.

“Yeah, that works too.” 

“You know what? Fine. I can wash first. The food won’t be here for another twenty minutes.” He undressed quickly. They had been in a locker room together more times than Killua could count. They had been showering at the climbing gym regularly. Being naked around Gon should not have felt this awkward, yet it did. There was a sticky quality to the way he looked at Killua, which made the whole situation rather uncomfortable.

_ You’re bi curious when you’re drunk, aren’t you? Or just so desperate to get your rocks off that anyone will do. Stupid straight boy.  _

Killua got into the shower. The water was nice and warm, since it had been running for a while, but he turned it to cold. Ice cold. He needed to cool off. He could not exploit this opportunity, he knew that very well. It would have been the nastiest thing to do. Despite that, the thought that Gon could probably be tricked into making out or even something more, was hard to flush out of his brain. 

Suddenly the shower door opened, and Gon was there with him. Killua almost screamed because it caught him completely off guard. He had been completely ignoring his drunk friend and concentrating on washing as fast as possible, to get away from the freezing water.

“Are you nuts?” He turned to face Gon, and scolded him. “You scared me.”

“Hmm. I thought you could use a hand on your back. From where I was standing, you weren’t doing a great job.” He had the smuggest smile Killua had ever seen.

Cold water was running down his back, it should have been helping him to collect his thoughts. Still, it took a moment before he managed to close his gaping mouth. Gon was actually reaching for the shower gel.

“I wholeheartedly hope you want that to soap yourself up.”

“No?” Gon was trying to be cute. 

Killua grabbed his wrist, so he could not attempt anything. 

“You’re unbelievable,” he said finally. “Anyway, I’m done.”

“You could do me.”

“You’re clearly capable yourself.” Killua hosed himself with the cold water one more time, making sure he sprayed a fair amount on Gon in the process. His friend recoiled surprised. He was clearly not expecting this kind of temperature. That gave Killua an opening to push past him, and get out.

“You’re no fun.” Gon was sulking.  

“This stunt cost you the big towel.” Killua dried himself up quickly, and put on the spare boxers he got from Ikalgo. To his relief they were tight but not too small.

“Killua come back. Please. I’ll be good.”

“You’re so missing the point of what being good means in this situation.” Killua snorted, and rolled his eyes. “Hurry up, the delivery guy’ll be here any minute.” 

 

*

 

While they ate Gon was brooding. He was not in the mischievous mood anymore. Killua let him be silent. He felt a little anxious as to how to start talking to Gon. Or if talking could even help. 

“I’m sorry I did not answer your messages sooner.” Killua said finally, as he started to clean up the take-out boxes. “I was...”

“At the tournament, I remembered. You told me about it last week. I figured your phone was off.”

“Still, I wish I had talked to you then.”

“Thanks.” Gon was standing awkwardly by the entrance to the kitchen.  

“Where were you all day?”

“Nowhere in particular. I was just walking… actually I walked to the beach, and a little along the seaside. I just wanted to go the opposite direction from the house… I knew if I went back there, I’d get into a spat with my father… or if he wasn’t there anymore, I’d try to find him.” 

Killua came closer, and hesitantly took his hand. He wanted to be reassuring, not creepy. He was not sure he was doing it right.

_ I need a standard for this. Everything I’d do with Alluka should be fine here… right? Holding his hand, a hug… this can’t be misinterpreted as predatory… I hope… Gon, why can’t you just go to a normal friend, not a creep who lusts over you like crazy?  _

“I’m glad you didn’t do it.” He squeezed Gon’s hand. “I’m actually glad you went to that dumb party because I could find you.”

“Yeah… I’m sorry I disappeared. At some point the battery was so low I just turned the phone off. I forgot to charge it before I went to sleep.” He squeezed Killua's hand back, and then slowly pulled him into an embrace. 

It was warm and soft. Killua was not sure what he was supposed to do with his hands. He decided that putting them on Gon’s back would be customary, normal … maybe. 

“That’s okay, these things happen, you weren’t in a good place.” 

_ Is a pat okay? With Alluka it would be. He’s not drunk anymore, well not as much as he was. He’s lucid. Whatever I do now, he will remember for sure.  _

He gave Gon a soft pat. For that he was pulled even closer, Gon’s hands slithered across his lower back. Killua became acutely aware that they were not wearing anything except for boxers, and that Gon’s skin was so warm and pleasant. It smelt so nice, too. 

_ Why must I be like this? Why can’t I not enjoy this on such a creepy level? _

“Yeah.” Gon whispered. 

An awkward silence followed. Killua tried to concentrate on how his feet were getting cold from the tiles, and not on Gon’s hair tickling his cheek. 

“Maybe we should lie down. It’s past one.”

“Good idea,” Gon said, but did not move away. There was an odd spell enveloping them. It terrified Killua. 

_ This is not for you perv. It’s for him. He needs comfort. Just why on earth must I be the one to grant it? When I’m the person whose fault it is that he’s down like this.  _

Killua tried to hold in an sneeze, but failed, which completely surprised his friend. “Gon, this floor is cold.” Killua whined a little.  

“Ah, sorry.” He moved away slightly, but then he lifted Killua, and hang over his shoulder fireman style. 

“Hey, what are you doing, idiot!?”

“I’m taking you to bed. I’m so inconsiderate, you hinted at it earlier, and I made you stand in the cold.” He carried Killua to the bedroom and dropped him onto the mattress. 

Killua was so embarrassed by the whole thing he did not even have it in him to protest. He just sighed exasperated.

“You know we still need to change the sheets? Right?” He scrambled off the bed, and started to pull everything off. He hoped Gon would take over, and show him what to do. 

To his relief that was exactly what happened, and they were done quickly. 

The fact that there was only one duvet proved a little awkward. They were lying side by side under it, their shoulders touching. 

_ If either of us moves it’ll slide right off… God, this night is going to be cold and difficult.  _

Gon was not one to make things easier, though. 

“Good night.” He laced fingers with Killua’s under the cover. 

_ Calm down you idiot. _ Killua scolded himself for the hundredth time that evening as his heart rate picked up like crazy.  _ It’s not about you. _

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're slowly drawing to the conclusion. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's reading, leaving kudos and commenting. It means a lot to me that you're still here so far into the story! 
> 
> Killua's outfit from this chapter is my favourite from the ones i put together for him. When my friend saw the photos she said that: no wonder Gon got grabby. I felt super validated by that. :D


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking is good.

* * *

 

“Killua, are you asleep?”

He was not. Gon’s warm hand softly holding his was keeping him well awake. He could not tell how long they had been lying like this, in silence.

“No, I’m here.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Neither can I.”

Another moment of silence.

“I’m so glad I’m not alone right now. You’re the best friend…best one I’ve ever had.” Gon gently squeezed his hand. At the same time guilt strongly tugged on Killua’s heart.

“Gon…I’m not your friend…not really…”

“Why would you say that? You know it’s not true. You’re always there for me…even when I act like an idiot…you were actually trying to find me, all day…”

“Because it’s my responsibility to mitigate the damage…somehow…at least a little. Even though there is not much I can do.”

“It’s not Killua, but it’s incredibly touching that you think it is.”

“Gon…It’s my fault…Everything that has happened to you…it’s my doing, my family’s doing. And instead of admitting to it and apologising…I pretend to be your friend…for selfish reasons.” He tried to pull his hand away, but Gon did not let him.

“You mean it was a political move? By your dad’s campaign?”

“Yes, Hisoka even came gloating about it.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, I punched him…”

“Wow, I wish I was there to see it…” Gon giggled. “If it’s a political move it makes so much more sense…why this happened…and why now…I couldn't figure it out.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t get why you think it’s your fault.”

“Because I should have shielded you from them better. I’ve always known how sleazy they are, how ruthless…The moment they started discussing your unc…father…the moment Hisoka cut it off…I knew there was something wrong with that…but he was already plotting something. He did not want to tip you off. That’s why he let the subject die…but I was too stupid to connect the dots then.”

“Killua, I stayed for that dinner of my own will, and I actually thought Hisoka is funny in a creepy way…I thought it’ll be amusing…It’s in no way your fault…”

“I feel I should have warned you…I just didn’t want to scare you off…because I was selfish.”

“Still, it’s not really on you. It’s on them… them and my family. Both of our families are messed up. If I had known I have this huge secret to keep maybe I would have been more cautious…maybe I would have avoided your parents until the election was over. But I had no idea. I didn’t even know he was coming here, I found out because those people brought him up at dinner.”

“I’m sorry, Gon.”

“Don’t be…really. I’ve always known she was lying to me. Well, not always, but definitely since I was ten, or maybe younger. I just thought she didn’t want me to look for my father, that he was a special kind of scumbag, and she was afraid of me seeking him out. The scumbag part, I think, I got right. The rest not so much. But I indulged her lie, and pretended I’m buying it. It’s neat. If she had said he left me I would feel unwanted, and well, might try to look for him. If she had said he’s dead, I’d have asked about the grave and photos. But her explanation was genius. “I went to some music festivals that summer and later found out I was pregnant. Lol. I was partying hard, I don’t even remember those people, but I’m sure they were nice.” It’s perfect, the pool of potential fathers is ridiculously large. Impossible to trace. It’s not like someone did not want me, my mu… she was my only parent and she loved me enough to keep me…”

Killua could hear his voice breaking a little, he rolled onto his side, and pulled Gon into an embrace. Soon he could feel Gon’s tears on his chest. Gon seemed so small and vulnerable.

“It was such a good lie…I really liked it…I liked our little family and thought it’s okay…She’s always been so good and understanding…I thought I owed her, I thought I should trust her on this. She wouldn’t have crafted this story if he wasn’t really...truly horrible.”

Killua was silent, he limited himself to combing through Gon’s hair. Just to give him a little reprieve.

“I didn’t expect anything like this. She’s not even my mum…neither is that other woman…I won’t accept her. I read her name in an article, but I forgot it already…she seems so awful…It’s also cruel of me…you know…being angry at Mito, when she did everything right…but I am…” He was sobbing, clearly finding it hard to breathe.

“I think she still is… I mean it’s still okay to call her your mum.” Killua said quietly.

“I know…it’s just so hard at the moment…but I know that every time I call her Mito, it hurts her…and me.”

“This situation is probably awful for her as well, but that’s why I think she understands. That it’s not something you can get over just like that…give yourself time…her as well.”

“I’m making it worse than it needs to be.”

“No, you aren’t. Gon, let yourself feel bad. It’s a fucking scary situation. Everything is on the line.” Killua felt Gon tremble in his arms. “Shit, why did I say that…I’m not a therapist, and that’s who you need right now.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes, it’s a type of life shattering event that warrants a therapist…and a lawyer.”

“I guess Alluka has a therapist…so it can’t be that bad, she says she likes her therapist.”

“She does, I can see that the sessions help her. A psychologist helped me when I was a child, too. There is nothing wrong in asking for help, Gon.”

“You went to therapy? Why?” Gon sniffed loudly, and lifted his head to look at Killua.

“Because my parents almost rode me to death with their expectations…Literally, that’s why I get to be a loser now…”

“You’re not a loser.”

“That’s a matter of opinion, and you don’t know all the facts.”

Gon frowned sceptically.

“But that’s neither here nor there.” Killua continued. “I’ve already asked Alluka to get a recommendation for a therapist for you. But we’ll also ask Bisky about it.”

“Who’s Bisky?”

“An obnoxious old hag. She used to be my mum’s sorority sister, and well, a good friend, but at some point she grew a spine and half a heart. She’s a lawyer, and a really great one. She takes cases that can’t win her that much money if they are high profile enough. Yours is. I called her when I couldn't get through to you. She said she’ll meet with us tomorrow, or today, more precisely, in the evening.”

“You organised that… for me.”

“Yeah, I was spiralling so I needed to do something not to go crazy.”

“You’re so good.” Gon hugged Killua tightly.

 _Maybe a little._ Killua felt a little proud that Gon seemed happy with him overstepping, and taking over.

“I just don’t know if I can take my dad to court… I’m an adult…”

“Listen, I’m not sure either. But aunty Bisky treated me seriously when I started talking about you, so she thinks there’s something there. Otherwise she wouldn’t waste her time. It’s not like she owes me anything, and she hasn’t been to Sunday brunch at our house for years.”

“Thanks, knowing that there’s something I can do…It helps so much. So far I thought the only thing I could do is go to my father, and beat him up for being a scumbag.”

“Please don’t do that.”

“I won’t. You’re the best person.”

“Idiot.”

They lay tangled for a while. Gon was not crying anymore. He seemed calmer, still focused, still not quite back to his usual self, but less on edge.

Killua also relaxed. He had not dared hope for this and yet. Somehow Gon did not blame or reject him. He could hardly believe how understanding his friend was.

_Maybe he just has nowhere else to go…_

A tiny part of him, however, tried to stay positive, he really wanted to be a part of Gon’s life. As long as it was possible.

 

*

 

Squid woke Killua up. He panicked a little initially, the room seemed unfamiliar. A wet nose to the cheek was shocking. Then he remembered where he was and why. The other thing, apart from a cat staring at him, that seemed very odd was how warm and heavy he felt. He practically never slept on his stomach and yet. He was half way on his side and half way on his belly. There was weight applied to his back and his sides. It was very distinctively alive, Killua could sense it move ever so slightly with every breath. Gon’s arms were wrapped around him and splayed on his chest. Killua’s legs were pushed apart by Gon’s knee. Gon’s forehead was buried between Killua’s shoulder blades.   

_This is… this fits every definition of spooning… right?_

Unfortunately, his brain was not equipped to provide him with a definite answer. He had never done that with anyone. The person in his life he had been most intimate with was Alluka, so everything between them was platonic. He had slept with his sister in one bed and cuddled with her on several occasions, but not even remotely like this. He could instantly feel this had a different quality to it.

_Or does it? I want it to have because I’m a creep. He’s asleep, and has no idea what he’s doing. Either way, the cat demands an offering of food._

He tried to get out of the embrace without waking Gon up.

_If you don’t know this happened you won’t be upset with me. Let it be our secret Squid._

He smiled at the cat. She yawned in return. Definitely in agreement.

However the squirming elicited a reaction. Strong arms locked him in place. Killua felt…

_Did he just nuzzle to me?_

“Where are you going?” A sleepy rasp came from behind him.

“To feed the cat.”

“Ah, okay. Come back quickly.” Gon’s grip loosened.

Electricity shot down Killua’s spine.

_Did he just kiss the nape of my neck?_

He quickly jumped out of the bed and ran away from the confusion that was now and forever tied to it. There was no way he was going back there.

The flat was strangely cold. Usually Killua found it too hot. Maybe the fact that it was very early in the morning explained the temperature. It could have also been more subjective, since he had just got out of a warm…

 _Don’t go there. Don’t think about it. It’s over._  

He forbade himself, as he hopped on the freezing tiles. They only added to his general discomfort. Goosebumps erupted on his whole skin, as he was desperately trying not to sneeze. He was shivering, so he spilt some of the cat food on the floor. If Squid was one of those cats, she was going to leave it, and he would need to clean it up later. First he had to dress in yesterday's clothes, though. He was not looking forward to that.  

“Killua.” Gon’s voice brought him back to the present.

“Oh, hi. Good morning.” Killua did his best to stop his teeth from chattering. “I’ll make some breakfast in a moment.” He moved to look for his clothes. He sort of remembered he had last seen them in the bathroom.

“Killua, wait.” Gon stepped in front of him. He was wrapped in the duvet.

_Lucky you._

“Just give me a moment, please. I need to find my clothes.” Killua rubbed his arms nervously.

“This will help.” Gon took the duvet off his shoulders, and carefully draped it around Killua’s. Their eyes met when he did that, and it was the most intimate thing that had ever happened to Killua, apart from the spooning. He blushed and averted his gaze, not to look at Gon’s gentle face.

_Don’t look at me sincerely like that, I can’t take it. I’m the worst creep ever._

“This solves nothing, stupid, now you’ll be cold.” He put as much snark into that as he could. In this moment it was pitifully little.

“I can manage. Please listen. I just need to say it.”

“Say what?”

“That I’m sorry, about yesterday.”

‘It’s fine Gon. You’re in a shitty place. You have every right to feel bad, and try to get wasted.” Killua smiled and attempted eye contact again. It was not the best idea. Gon looked very pretty. He was standing very close, still holding the edges of the duvet.

“About that too.” He sighed and inhaled as if he was bracing himself for something. Then he continued. “But more importantly about how grabby I got with you yesterday…and today.”

Killua had never seen him this insecure before.

“It’s not a wrong thing. Trust me. I know that the patriarchal culture deems it wrong. But it’s okay for a man to seek emotional and physical comfort when he’s distressed.” Killua started to ramble quote some post from Tumblr to cover up how uneasy he was feeling.  

“What?” Gon looked genuinely confused. “I mean, yeah, sure.”

“Indeed.” _Oh fuck, he bought it, thank goodness._

“But I wasn’t talking about that. I acted really uncool…I…ever since the party…not yesterday’s party, the previous one…” He went silent. “Haha…I don’t think I can phrase it in any way that won’t make me sound like a creep.”

Killua was staring at him. _What on earth are you talking about? I’m the creep._

“I thought these things are extra, a sort of bonus to life. But I was wrong…so wrong...Do you know I can’t imagine a life without you?”

“Okay.” Killua whispered, mostly to acknowledge that he was still listening. He had no idea what was going on in their conversation at this point.

“That’s so strange…I remember that I used to live that life, I didn’t know you before last summer, but now it’s so foreign…that life. When you ran away back then, at the party, I realised how much I wanted it to go somewhere… How much I care about you...and you were upset with me...because I somehow managed to ruin it...” He cleared his throat and suddenly had his perfect goofy smile on. “This sounds all wrong. The point is, I think I’m in love with you.”

_What?! Is this some sort of a joke?!_

“So I let myself take advantage of your kindness and pity…because it was so nice to be this close to you.” Gon was tugging on the duvet nervously.

“Are you serious? This is not funny. You’re straight.”

“Who told you that?”

“Well, guys like you…who are, athletes…” Killua was slowly realising how he sounded.

“Guys like me what? Are all straight?” Gon looked more amused and patronising than offended. “That’s a messed up thing to say.”

“Now that I heard it…yeah…fuck…I’m sorry.”

“Great, but I was apologising first.”

_I’m such a fool. He was trying to make out with me…then and yesterday. For real. Now he thinks I’m not into him. Did he just say he’s in…oh fuck. I need to mend this somehow…but…_

His mind was spiralling, so he decided to exclude it from the decision making process, and just let his desires take the reins. He leaned forward and clumsily kissed Gon. He was not prepared for how hungry and passionate the response was. Gon actually got himself inside the blanket burrito, and the kiss was joined by an embrace.

“I…I mean everything is good…I hope...because same…I feel the same.” Killua mumbled into the crook of Gon’s neck when they stopped after a while.

“Yeah.” Gon sighed. “Listen…I’m getting a little cold myself. Let’s get back to bed. It’s like a quarter past six.”

“Sure.” Killua agreed, but then panic set in. “I just need to go to the bathroom.” It was not a lie, he actually did, so it was just partially a cover for over analyzing what going back to bed meant. He needed a moment to collect himself.

He found Gon on the bed invitingly lifting the duvet.

“Come on, or you’ll catch a cold.”

Killua mustered a nonchalant expression, and curled up next to him. He was instantly pulled into a kiss.

_I’ve kissed guys before…This is going well. Should I touch you? Are we at this point? I’d like to touch you so badly…_

Gon’s hand found its way to Killua's hip. It was gently stroking his side, then moved to the small of his back.

_All right…touching is okay…_

He reciprocated, cautiously tracing his fingers on Gon’s chest.

“You seem stressed…” Gon said after he pulled away. “Is this making you uncomfortable?”

_Oh fuck…Of course, I fucked this up._

Killua was too embarrassed to face him. He turned onto his stomach to hide.

“I see… We don’t have to…” Gon started, reassuringly.

“No, you don’t see…”

“What’s going on then?”

“Are we a couple?”

“I assumed that we are…” Gon said very slowly. “Am I wrong?”

“Okay, so now you’re getting your moment to reconsider. You can back out now, and there’ll be no hard feelings. I mean, I’ll cry, probably, but I’ll totally understand.”

Gon burst into laughter.

“Why would I reconsider? Killua, you’re not making much sense. If this is not something you want to do with me it’s fine. Just tell me.”

Killua turned on his back but covered his face with his hands, just peeked from under them a little to see Gon.

“I’m useless… I have… never been with someone.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I mean I’ve kissed some guys…I met at parties…and well it was making out, usually, and it even ended with a hand job…a few times…but I’m not sure they liked it…probably not, but I was too ashamed to ask.”

Gon buried his head in a pillow and laughed. “I’m sorry. You’re adorable.”

Killua was blushing all over, he felt hiding his face did not save him much from the embarrassment.

“Was there a happy ending?” Gon asked after he calmed down.

“What?”

“To the hand jobs, did they come?”

“Yes.” He mumbled.

“Then I wouldn’t worry about your performance.” He combed gently through Killua’s hair. “But the fact you can do it, or have done it… I have no expectations of you.”

“Don’t you? I mean you like sex, you’ve never hidden that. You have a lot of experience. I suspect with guys too.”

“Yes, so?” He leaned in to kiss Killua’s forearms and hands, while still gently petting his head.

“You’ll be disappointed…because I don’t know how to…make you feel good.”

“These are all learnable skills. The issue is if you want to learn them for me or for you…If you’re asexual it’s cool…”

“I’m not…I want to…have sex with you…if that's okay..I mean…you have no idea how much I’ve already done with you in my head…”

_Fuck, did I say that out loud?! Oh no…I’m so pathetic._

“Tell me.”

“No…” Killua whined quietly. “These are you know…fantasies for…you know…”

“I do. That’s why I’m curious.” Gon’s hand travelled down Killua's neck, then his chest and stomach. His fingers started to trace swirls around Killua's belly button. Killua inhaled sharply, and arched his back. The caress did not stop.

“You know what? I’ll start, I’ll tell you what I’ve already done with you in my head.” Gon’s voice was soft and very sexy.

Killua uncovered his face and looked curiously at Gon. He was met by a disarmingly sincere smile. Gon shrugged and leaned in to peck Killua on the cheek.

“And you’d tell me just like that?” Killua turned to face him. Then gently reached to touch his lips.

“Sure, if you’d want to hear it.” Gon bit his finger playfully. “It’s like sexting, but live.”

Killua chuckled.

_I sure look like a person who sexts regularly._

“Which you’ve never done.” Gon said when realisation hit him.

They both laughed, and cuddled, and kissed.

There was overwhelming relief washing over Killua. Tension and doubt disappeared. Gon made him feel very normal, and it was incredibly liberating.

“All right, so tell me.” Killua said finally. He laced fingers with Gon, and looked him in the eyes. “Now I’m curious if any of the fantasies are the same.”  

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week comes the epilogue, there will be a time jump. And finally you'll get to look a little into Gon's head. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who keeps supporting this story, it means so much to me that people enjoy it! <3


	9. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About three and half years later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this chapter to **[glittercracker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/glittercracker/pseuds/glittercracker)** who convinced me to actually write it. She was right, the story needed a proper wrap up. 
> 
> This chapter is from Gon's perspective. I have to say I had doubts about writing it in the first place, because I couldn't handle another chapter totally in Killua's head, I was a little fed up with him. So the change of perspective was a huge relief. Gon is so fun to write.

* * *

 

The airport was crawling with media, and after more than a week of their constant presence at the Olympic village he could not look at them anymore. He was tired after the intercontinental flight. Even though he managed to catch some sleep in the vip lounge when he had to wait before he boarded the short distance flight home, the presence of the crowds was draining what little energy he had left. He was met by a welcoming committee with the governor Silva Zoldyck heading it. He had won the elections to Gon and Killua’s disappointment. Happily it turned out not all was lost for doctor Paradinight, who won a senate seat the following year. He actually took it away from Ging Freecss, which gave Gon great satisfaction.  

Together with Silva, stood mum and great gran. They both remained politely silent, their attitude towards the Zoldycks was as complicated as Gon’s. 

There was a short press conference, during which Gon reiterated everything he had said upon winning the gold medal. He thanked his family, his coach, his team, his sponsors, the organisers and last but not least his boyfriend. Yes, he was happy. He was also exhausted. Therefore he was actually weirdly pleased to have the governor there, because the man took over very quickly. He praised Gon and the state’s school system, which in his opinion allowed Gon’s talent to flourish. He even managed to somehow take credit for both the state’s education situation and the gold medal, despite not being in office when Gon had started training. 

It was annoying. Gon was not angry anymore about what transpired over three years earlier, partially because it was long ago, and additionally all turned out well in the end. There was something grating, however, about the fact Silva never apologised or even acknowledged that it was his doing. 

It was a pattern of behaviour for him, actually. When a photo of Gon and Killua holding hands on the college campus was tweeted at the governor’s office, Silva just acted as if he had known all the time. Killua’s mother had a small meltdown over the phone, proving the contrary was the truth. Their displeasure did not last long, though. It was the optics that mattered, after all. For the sake of their public image they were embracing their queer children, which meant their private attitude became neutral with time. Gon with his semi tragic story - in a contrived way proving the moral bankruptcy of the whole opposing party, as Killua explained it - was a pretty good person to have in the family’s orbit. Especially that he turned his challenging circumstances into a stellar success - like a real man should, according to Killua, whose relationship with his father was not on the road towards improvement, and it was not hard to see why. 

Bizarrely Silva’s attitude towards Gon did not change… on the surface. He was still happy to talk sports whenever Gon came for dinner, all the dialogue conducted in this hilarious overly familiar fashion. He would even give Gon an occasional slap or pat, like he used to, but these were followed by moments of distinct awkwardness. “You’re still a better son material than me, someone after his own image, but you’re also a fag.” Killua said. “The cognitive dissonance is too real.” Then he had to explain the term. When Gon tried to argue that he was pan and not gay, Killua dismissed him quickly. “Starting a conversation about that would probably make it worse.” According to him, his parents would just short-circuit if they were made to listen to a detailed explanation of various queer identities. He was probably right. 

Gon was actually relieved how tired and impatient he was, because that stopped him from saying anything at the airport. He even did not make faces during the photo moment. This was definitely not the day to antagonise Silva Zoldyck. 

The other plus side to having the governor there was, that Gon and his family were driven home in a private car. This saved him a lot of time, and allowed to replenish his energy a bit. He could quickly wash, shave and change. He needed to look good. He decided on joggers with fancy straps he got from Killua and a tee with colourful insects. A style he knew his boyfriend approved of.

 

*

 

Biscuit Krueger’s law firm was on the fiftieth floor of one of the tallest buildings in the city. It had very sleek offices full of glass and expensive wood. The first time Gon had gone there he was very intimidated. The formal reception area with exotic plants and two very serious receptionists looked like the epitome of detached and polished. 

To some extent it was true, as long as clients were around the atmosphere was professional without exception. That changed, however, when strangers were gone. Bisky ran her branch office of the Hunter & Hunter International Law like a sports team, excellence and high performance on the outside, strange sibling-like atmosphere on the inside.  

Gon’s status was never exactly one of a client because Bisky treated Killua like a relative, so his boyfriend instantly fell under the same umbrella. At this point everyone knew him well, so he could just walk in casually. One of the partners greeted him with a smile and beeped him into the back office area on reflex, after they chatted for a moment.  

Getting through the office proved slow because everyone wanted to congratulate him, but he needed to shush them. Killua had no idea he was there, and it was supposed to be a surprise. 

Killua had graduated magna cum laude from Sustainability and Environmental Studies and got into law school. To congratulate him Bisky hired him to work as a part time assistant - Killua said slave - to Cookie, the head of legal secretaries. He was doing all the thankless grunt tasks. He never failed to whine about it. 

Gon still had one year of biology studies before he got his bachelor degree, he did not have credits from high school and the training did not allow him to take more classes than the absolute minimum. He saw it as his great success, however, that he managed to get Killua to care about nature. His boyfriend was now adamant to specialise in environmental law. Gon was not exactly sure what he himself wanted to do post graduation, but anything with a huge amount of field studies ie. running around in the wilderness, seemed fine. 

Killua was sitting behind a cluttered desk in the most exposed part of a small open space. He was wearing a navy blue suit, with a cornflower shirt and a grey tie. His very proper attire was spiced up by earrings, nail polish and eyeliner, the only extravagance Bisky allowed him in the office.  He was bent over some documents, throwing cursory glances at his computer screen from time to time. 

Gon came closer and leaned on the desk. He put a huge bar of fancy foreign chocolate on top of the “in” pile. That did not make his boyfriend raise his head. It elicited another reaction. 

“Take that back, whatever the fuck it is. I have enough shit for the rest of the week.” Killua’s voice was almost a growl. “If you walk away without it, I’ll fucking chase you and break both your legs.”

“Leave it there, he’ll deal with it because he’s a good boy.” One of the juniors said, suppressing a laugh. “Bisky’s pet is all bark no bite.” 

“Technically he’s a cat, so he’s all hiss and no claws.” Gon corrected with a smile which led to people not being able to contain themselves anymore, the room exploded into laughter.

Killua finally looked at him. His eyes were large from shock.

“What the fuck, Gon! You’ll get both the teeth and the claws if you don’t cut it out!” He yelled outraged, as his face flushed. He was the prettiest thing ever and in moments like this Gon never failed to reminded himself of his stupid luck. 

“I hope it’s a promise you’re planning to keep.” Gon leaned in to steal a kiss. He was granted one slightly begrudgingly. Killua, as always, was sulky when Gon made public displays of affection. 

After the kiss was over and the surprise complete, people swarmed to congratulate Gon. They backed away, however, when Bisky stormed out of her office and locked Gon in a bear hug. She was very strong for someone her age. Her wide shoulders, toned arms and legs, mostly hidden under a light pink polka dot dress, were making it hard to believe she was in her mid sixties. It was also true that she invested heavily in plastic surgery. 

She planted a wet kiss on his cheek. Then turned him around to take a selfie of the two of them with her office door as the backdrop. It took a few tries but once she got one that satisfied her, it instantly landed on the company Twitter and Instagram. She tagged it:

#gon freecss #world champion #our cutest client #H&HIL supports #our Olympians  

Killua was making a face, as everyone in the room pulled out their phones to like it. 

“You too, kitty cat.” Bisky smiled pleasantly at Killua, who dared not defy her and grabbed his phone.

Gon just giggled, as he retweeted the photo to his own account.

“And now you can go.” Bisky said to them.

“What?” Killua stared at her incredulously. 

“Bye, bye.” She waved at him.

“Am I fired?” He got up angry. “I did everything I was…”

“Indeed, and you will continue, from Monday. Cookie will divide the pressing files equally until then.” 

“It’s Thursday, two pm!”

“I know, we support our Olympians.” She winked at Gon obnoxiously.

Killua was red all over. “Damn, old hag.” He mumbled.

“What was that?!”

“Nothing.”

“Take him away before I change my mind.” She said to Gon.

“Yes, ma’am.” Gon saw an opening and grabbed Killua’s hand to quickly pull him towards the elevator.

*

 

They made a quick pit stop at a tiny changing room where Killua left his dress shoes and picked up a pair of trainers. It was the middle of the summer after all and they were leaving the privileges of air-conditioning.  

“We’re not going to your place.” Killua noticed when they were in the car.

“Not yet, I wanted to go somewhere else first.” 

“Ah, so this is a full scheme.” Killua said leaning towards the driver’s seat and pecking Gon on the cheek. “I should have expected that, you’re two days too early. And Bisky was clearly in on it all.” 

“She was.”

“I would have gone to pick you up from the airport.”

“I know, but I think it’s better you didn’t. You don’t do well with crowds, or attention, and I know that I would have just scooped you up and kissed you in mid air. The photos would have been everywhere.”

“Thank you for sparing me, then.” Killua gently stroked Gon’s hand on the gearshift. He did not ask where they were going, he knew better than to expect answers at this point. “But the victory party is still at Palm and Ikalgo’s on Sunday, right?”

“Yes, Alluka and Canary won’t be back from their trip before then.”

“Okay.” Killua nodded.

They stopped in a parking lot by a shopping centre. Killua left his tie and jacket in the car. 

“Where are we?” Killua looked around confused. 

“At the starting point.” Gon took out his phone and turned on the maps. “You owe me a rematch, you cheated last time.”

“Excuse me? What rematch?” He looked at the phone and then it dawned on him. “You must be joking. First off, I didn’t cheat. And secondly I’m in a suit and you aren’t.”  

“Only suit trousers, and the shirt you can just unbutton, if you need to. Plus you have running shoes, I had those horrible dress shoes last time.” 

“Come on, Gon. Let’s just go somewhere to eat.”

“We can have ice cream by the cave.”

“You’re impossible, but it’s your victory celebration, I guess.”

“Yup.” Gon rocked gently on his feet. “Ready?”

“Yeah.”

 

*

 

Gon decided to count his repeated loss as a result of too much physical strain during the Olympics and too little rest afterwards. Killua was again waiting by the entrance of the cave. The same cheeky grin was plastered to his face. It was a strange deja vu. Back then Gon had not expected that this was going to be the most important person in his life. Even though he had instantly sensed that Killua was attracted to him, he had not thought it was going to be anything more than a friendship with the possibility of some casual sex. The views on relationships he had held back then were so over the top, that he tended to laugh a little at his former self whenever he thought about that.

“I hope this settles it conclusively.” Killua said trumphantly when Gon came closer.

“I think it does.” Gon admitted with a sigh.

“Time for my trophy. It’ll be the Olympic Champion Cup.” Killua pointed to a special item on the menu which contained five large scoops of ice cream in the Olympic colours, a mountain of whipped cream, chocolate sauce and an assortment of fruit.

“You’ll die from it.” 

“Try me.” He teased and leaned closer to whisper. “Besides if you had taken me home, I would be able to enjoy a different sort of Olympic champion cream right now. ” 

“You’ll still be able to, if you're hungry when we get  back.” Gon laughed and ordered the monstrous dessert and some lemonades. Killua’s casual innuendos always made him super proud. In the beginning of their relationship Killua had been too shy for that.

They sat in the shade.

“You’ve never tried to climb this cave.” Gon said as he scooted closer to his boyfriend. “Now I see why, though.” He said looking around. “The walls are too slimy and at the wrong angle here. It wouldn’t be fun.”

“Or probably even possible. But I would have tried back then, I was not above showing off like an idiot. Might still not be over it.”

They laughed. 

Gon gently tucked a strand of hair behind Killua’s ear and leaned to kiss it.  Then he took out a ring that pierced the lobe close to the tip.

“What are you doing?” Killua furrowed his brows, but did not turn away from the dessert. A third of it was already gone.

“Making space.”

This actually provoked a curious look. “For what?”

“This.” He took out a small box and put it in front of his boyfriend.

Killua pushed away the ice cream bowl and opened the box. Inside there was a small platinum earring in a shape of a beetle. Killua’s confusion was very clear.

“It looks very expensive.” He said carefully.

Gon shrugged. “Since Ging was made to cough up the half of my tuition and accomodation not covered by the stipend I actually had some savings.” He smiled.

“I don’t think that’s the point of savings, to spend them as soon as they appear, dummy.” Killua said with a slightly mean smile.

“I think the point is to use them however you please. Besides the gold medal payout will replenish them.”

“What’s the occasion then? My birthday was over a month ago, and your gift was very thoughtful and more than enough.” Killua blushed a little at the memory, but leaned in to kiss Gon.

“You never wear rings…” Gon started and broke off. He was sure it was going to go smoothly. He had planned it for months. He actually felt nervous, however, more stressed than before his final match a few days before. This was far more important, after all. “So I thought an earring will be better…”

Killua was staring at him, there was a hint of realisation in his eyes and Gon needed to hurry up before he said something.

“An earring is still a ring. So it fits…” He paused and took his boyfriend’s hand. “Killua Zoldyck, will you marry me?”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic ends here. Thank you to everyone who read it. I hope this ending is satisfying for you all. 
> 
> I'm a little proud of myself because I actually finished this. I'm not great at finishing stuff. In general it was a learning experience, writing on a deadline for an event. I've never done anything like this before and I'm glad I participated, because I learned that I'm pretty good at outlining a story and assessing how long it will be. 
> 
> Anyway thank you again for all the kudos and encouraging words!
> 
> **Other works in this series are mostly single chapter extras. A warning though: they go into their sex life, and some are actually rated explicit because they get graphic. So please check out the rating and the tags so that you won't read something you're not comfortable with.**


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